he's makin' a list. he's checkin' it twice. he's gonna find out...

who's naughty...

{so busted!}

or nice...

{so sweet.}

~ ~ ~

i could hardly bring myself to post today. my mood does not go with the whimsical nature of this post {or at least not with the photos and title parts, anyway}, as i've felt beyond disheartened for much of the day. there are some things i will never understand {not for lack of trying} and today was one of those days where that realization got to me.

it started out okay. but then i saw some things that made me further question things i already had a difficult time understanding.

it's not as if today was the first time i have had a day like this... it's not even the first time since isaac was born. but it's been a while. and on days like this during my pre-mama career, it was one thing... i could do what i had to in the privacy of my home... cry, pray through some frustrated sighs and tears, question things out loud, sniffle, even growl and vent. but when you have a little one who is always at your hip or ankles, always looking up to you, days like this are a lot different. you have to hold it in... hold it together... for their sake. and that is not always so easy to do. in fact, sometimes doing it makes you feel even worse, 'cause you can't get it out the way you used to. and then you just blow a gasket after a while! i don't want that peanut to pick up on my sadness or frustration or feelings of utter disappointment or anger.

i'm sure if i google it, i'll find lots of little sermons on how to be a good mom that does not let her kid{s} see her struggles or the emotions that come about as a result. and i plan to read those sermons some day, unless someone reading can lend a word of advice about how they do it in their own lives with their own kids.

but today, i'm just feeling spent. i'm disappointed in myself for letting my son see a side of me he has not seen very much... a side that so obviously affected his mood. and i'm disappointed that i let myself even be that way at all, kids or no kids.

it was, on my part, pure lack of faith, strength or ability to rest in truth. and while i possess those three things much of the time, they sometimes drain out of me... and today, i hit an all-time low today. i was more a restless wreck than i was a calm, strong, at-peace mom.

oh, and moods like this don't stop with the kids. hubby's get the backlash, too.

let's just say, i was acting more childish than my own son was acting... and i don't mean "nice". i could much more appropriately be labeled under the "naughty" category... ummm... "brat" might have been my husband's word of choice.

picture my face {and the face of my heart} a little more like isaac's face in the first photo above... g r r r r r r !

i'm fortunate to have a forgiving, understanding, listening hubby. but kids of less than one year old just don't have those capacities yet. thankfully, though, they also don't remember things for too long. by the time we went to bed, we were all cuddling on the couch together, playful and at peace. letting go of bad moods and miscommunications and any external circumstances that threaten to steal our joy. rough night behind us.

i expect i'll need to learn to harness my emotions around my son as he grows. i don't want to ignore them or hide them... they are part of real life that i want him to not just know about, but expect to come along. but i do most definitely want to keep them in check. and i want to, in doing so, teach him to deal with the things in his life that aren't always pretty or perfect.

i was recently advised by a friend from church who i really respect to flow with the river of pain or sadness or anger, when grieving something. i used to get down on myself for feeling these things... as if i should be bigger than them and not let them affect my days. i felt a great sense of relief when she told me this. i would much rather flow in a river of those {seemingly} negative emotions, than sit or even drown in stagnant pools of them that fester into bitterness and hate.

she gave me permission to grieve.

it was like getting permission to breathe.

now, i just need to find that blend of permission, surrender and obedience that will make me the wife and mom i should be for my husband and son... even when i'm having a really, really bad day.