why i feel like throwing in the towel

so, i sit here and write through my tears. tears of feeling deflated and defeated. not tears for anything that matters in the big scheme, of course. they're not over something that is life-altering or world-changing.

but they are a result of something that cuts to the heart of me. as i write, i realize i might be speaking prematurely, because i'm not even sure what is wrong at this point.

all i know right know is that, as of tonight, my camera doesn't work. my little contraption that is so very big to me. that thing i use to speak with {because i speak in pictures} and sometimes listen with, too.

my heart feels crushed.

i know that is so silly. find any number of blogs on the internet that write about injustices or hunger and poverty in various places all over the world... even right here in my own country. or watch the news and see stories of people dying in other countries because they are there doing work they believe in and somehow got in harm's way... like the story of the young diplomat from my neck of the woods who was killed in afghanistan recently and whose funeral was held today. or stories of moms who will lose their infant to a terminal disease. those are things that matter and should bring tears to ones eyes. not my silly camera busting.

but i still sit here crying. because i have a gig for a photo shoot at the beginning of may... something i was so excited for and haven't even mentioned on this blog yet, for fear that talking about it would make it fall through or burst into thin air as easily as one of isaac's bath bubbles does at the lightest touch of his tiny finger.

and because this is all wrapped in what i so badly want to do with my life... at every level. creatively. personally. professionally. communally.

crying, because i have felt discouraged about my photography lately to begin with... like i'm not growing. like i don't have what it takes. discouraged because friends and family who i would have thought might ask me to take photos of their family or important life events ended up going with other photographers who are either already established or, like me, have recently jumped in to the photography business {even though, in some cases, an interest was expressed for me to do the shoot}. discouraged because sometimes when i do take pictures for a friend {without charging} because i was asked to, i don't hear even as much as a "thank you!"... let alone an "i love the pics!"

crying, because i just recently wrote about this lens {which i think is what failed, and not the camera body itself} and how getting it is what allowed me to jump in and do the photography-business thing... finally. and the thought of possibly losing it only exacerbates all the above issues surrounding my photography and desire to get a business going.

sad... because oh how ironic that just a couple days ago, i should enter a contest to win a lens that is slightly better than the {broken} one i have, but i have no real hope of winning due to the fact that one-bajillion other people entered the contest too, and the odds of me winning are very small.

sad... because, in my disappointment, i also posted the above photo on facebook—the last photo i squeezed out of my camera before it went kaput—along with a caption that said, "so sad right now. was taking pics of brac holding isaac after bath time tonight when something broke... either the camera or lens. not sure which. not good. =( at least i like the final photo i got." i did so for a little encouragement, i guess ...{not so others would feel sorry for me, but rather that they might simply chime in with an "oh, sorry, girl" or something similar that would lift my spirits}... but got none little {which i was grateful for}. it's just that the little i did get was for-the-most-part not from people i would have expected to chime in... like other photographer friends who surely would feel discouraged if it happened to them, too. all of which made me realize that either very few facebook friends were on it tonight, or people care more about banana bread and whether or not you put butter on it {i had posted something about that the night before and got about fifty responses} than they do about the one device that your livelihood and income hinges on. or else they are tired of seeing photos of my son {which wouldn't surprise me, because people have actually publicly said in so many words that i post too many photos of him}, and thus passed right on by it because they thought, "oh, just another photo of isaac... nothing to see here." so i'm sitting here thinking, this sucks. and i can't even commiserate with anyone about it. {mr. b is in bed at this point, so the option of whining to him is out.}

yes. i'm wallowing. yes. i'm feeling sorry for myself. i won't stay here. but sometimes you just can't do anything but. and it's not even that i'm feeling sorry for myself. i'm just disappointed. big time. i don't have a lot of nice things. and i honestly don't even need a lot of nice things. and even if i did, i wouldn't want them right now anyway, because nice things tend to get damaged around here, living with a toddler {which is not a sly way of saying he is the reason my camera broke, because he had nothing to do with it}.

all i want, materially, is to have a nice lens {which i got a year and a half ago} and for that lens to stay nice {i.e., working}.

i'm sad, because i was just starting to feel like i'm ready to take my photography to a new level so as to get out of the artistic rut i've been in.

sad... because, without my lens, i can't capture the things i am desperate to capture about this ever-changing beautiful boy in my life.

sad... because this is a photography blog, mostly. and a journal, too... one that i use my camera to record and document in.

sad... because now i can't continue my project life 365 {which i was sucking at anyway, so what's the point?} and i don't even have an iPhone and the camera it comes with {which i've wanted for so long} to pick the project up with where my dslr left off.

sad... because i wonder if using my camera for personal use {i.e., this blog} is even worth it when, judging from the amount of the comments i get {which are many if you include the 95% that are spam and never get published}, no one is reading anyway.

sad... because {as far as i can see}, there are about 736 other bloggers out there {who aren't even blogging as pro-photographers} that have cameras/lenses that are four or five times more expensive than mine which they bought with money earned from their ad-ridden blogs upon reading the advise of another like blogger, telling them to get and use a really good camera because it will make their blogs look more professional... even though their goal is not to be a professional photographer, but rather to be a lifestyle blogger that takes professional-looking photos {big difference}... and they blog about their perfect home and perfect offices that are all freshly painted bright and white and are all filled with the same perfectly on-trend white eames rockers and sheep-skin throws and rustic ikat rugs, with photos of their perfect bodies that look nothing like bodies that recently birthed the first, second, third or fourth babies they photograph in the most perfectly adorable on-trend triangle-motif clothing with the most perfect cameras. {yeah, that's right. all kinds of bitterness coming out right now. but it's real. i'm not sugar-coating my frustrations today.}

sad... because {from a professional standpoint} if there was a better time for this to happen, it would have been at the end of outdoor-photo-shoot-season when i would not have needed the camera so much anyways... instead of in the spring when warmer weather would be bringing out potential clients.

sad... because i was already having a rough day and dealing with disappointment and brick walls in my paths before i even started taking the pictures of my husband holding my son after bath time. and i did not need this {mechanical or electronic?} breakdown heaped on top of it all.

sad... because i was already feeling like i don't have what it takes to be a photographer... like i'm not good enough. like i don't measure up or compare to all the seventeen zillion other photographers that are out there who already have 1,274 likes on their facebook business page.

sad... because my office is a mess due to an avalanche of reasons that i won't even bother getting into, and thus, i can't find the manual for my lens, nor can i find my old kit lens to test on the camera body in hopes that such a diagnostic test would tell me whether the problem is in the body or in the lens.

sad... because i don't have a car during the week, so i can't go to a camera shop and have them look at it, which means i'll have to sit here for three more days and wonder what the problem is... helpless.

sad... because we don't have the money to drop on a new lens if this one is beyond repair or will cost more to fix than a new one, and even if we did, i'd use it to buy paint in order to finally paint this office so that i could start putting things away in here in a fashion that is organized and allows me to find things i need in situations such as these.

sad... because if anyone is even reading this, some might see it as a whiny cry for attention {which it's not} instead of an honest outpouring of what is actually on my mind and in my heart... disappointment and frustration and helplessness.

sad... over the way the state of such a small piece of plastic and glass can have such an effect on one person... even the person's family, if that piece of plastic is meant to fuel their income.

yes. still wallowing.

i know everything will work out at some point. in a twist of irony, i found two quotes as i was dismantling piles in my office in a feverish attempt to find my old lens... two quotes that helped me just a sliver. not enough to stop crying. but enough to keep me from getting hysterical. the first was one that has been way overused, over-printed and over-commercialized, but it helped me anyway. "keep calm and carry on" it read. it was on the cardboard packaging of the shower curtain i purchased for our bathroom shortly after we moved into our new house... a curtain which reads the same. thinking about it now, i have to wonder why i would have kept that silly package. i could see keeping the outer 8x10-ish plastic pouch, because it's like a clear, durable envelope that would come in handy for keeping paperwork together {which must be why i found it in the office, of all places, tonight}. but to have kept the cardboard insert seems strange... except that i can't really see it as strange as much as i see it as serendipitous. that little wedge of hope that made it's way into my bummer-of-a-night really did help me a little. i quietly told myself "seriously... you have to keep calm because, though this sucks bigtime, it really will be okay, and you have to keep going with your photography. somehow. some way." surely, other photographers experience equipment breakdowns... even at the most inopportune times like me, right? and i have to assume they didn't just throw in the towel. not if they were deep-down passionate about pursuing it like i am. so i can figure this out.

how ironic {more irony... you have to love more irony} that this shower curtain resides in the room where i last used my camera {before it hit the skids}... just to the left of where i took my last shot.

the other quote i came across was on a little wood sign that i had purchased last year. it says "the most important things in life... aren't things."

hmmmmm. well, tell that to my bank account, mr. sign!!
and to my client for the photo shoot that is less than a month away, for that matter!

i wanted to throw that thing across the room when i found it! but then i remembered the previously mentioned "sign" i had unearthed just minutes earlier and its advice to stay calm. so i didn't.

but it's true, that little quip. and secretly, it did help me a little. after all, i aspire to be like my mother in many ways, and here i had just gotten through writing about how i admire that she does not place value on earthly things, but instead esteems people as valuable and worthy.

so i couldn't very well get all frantic and ticked and mad at the world when my sweet boy and husband were close-by.

a side note that i'll include so that i can relive the sweet memory some day when i come back to read this post again... at one point as i stood in the middle of my office frustrated and overwhelmed, isaac came in and hugged my leg and started singing twinkle twinkle little star... his new favorite song. i just know he sensed i was very sad and down, and this was his way of comforting me. nothing like it had ever happened before. it's sobering {and incredible} to know that he's reached an age where he can detect and determine my emotions. i knelt down to hug him and thank him for that. he saw tears in my eyes and said "mama sad." i said "yes, isaac. mama's sad."

that's when i took the message on that silly wood sign to heart. this is the most important thing. he is the most important thing. not that camera. not taking pictures of him {or anyone else}. but this guy.

of course, i'd be remiss if i didn't acknowledge that growing my photography business is very much for him. more so than it is for me. if it was just for me, i'd likely stop and just take pictures as a hobby or creative outlet. {all the fun, none of the work, right?} it was when he came along that i knew i wanted to get serious and turn my passion into a living.

i'm not like a lot of photographers out there that can dive in full-fledge right off the bat. i have had to do this on a very scaled and delayed schedule. and saying so is not a complaint, because it actually works out great, given the tasks i juggle as a mom of a young one. i guess i just find myself frustrated that, even with my totally modest and conservative go at this {business}, i still have to experience this setback.

i'm very frustrated... more than i've been in a very long time.

i think the crying part is in the past {as of this point in writing my post}. likely, what's next is just being mad. or cynical.

but i'm not throwing in the towel quite yet. i only feel like it.

i'm trying to see the bright side... now i can focus on posting photos from past shoots that i never got around to organizing, overwhelmed by the volume of photos there are to sift through... or even personal work i never got around to posting. maybe this means i'm now meant focus on getting a professional web site started... get serious about it all... get to the un-photography parts of the photography business.

or maybe it's God's way of telling me to get my house in order before i continue on in pursuit of photography. {he's been trying to tell me that in so many other ways already, but i hadn't really been listening. maybe this is the one thing that will get me to finally pay attention to him. i'm still trying to figure out what proverbs 31 looks like in my life...}

here's what i know. i'll go to a camera shop on saturday when i have a car. i'll cross my fingers for good news and hope that it's a minor problem that can be fixed with little to no cost.

if it's not a minor problem and things are not resolved by may when it comes time for the photo shoot, then i'll rent a camera and lens. or borrow someone else's.

and i'll pray.

and hope.

and maybe inwardly cuss a time or two.

and i'll look at the two signs i unburied tonight, which will henceforth hang on my wall to remind me not to become unraveled over all this.

and i'll post some oldie-but-goodie photos.

and i'll go off of facebook 'cause i don't feel chatty anymore... especially not about banana bread. and certainly not about my camera.

and i'll look at this photo i took of isaac and mr. b tonight... possibly the last photo i'll take for a while...

and i'll treasure them both.