forty reasons i am going to hold my son and husband a little closer than ever before starting now

i just watched a ten-years-later special on television about 9/11. i do not typically watch television... instead i spend any spare time blogging. but this was not something i wanted to miss. so i won't have a list of forty tonight. i may just skip it altogether, or i may try to catch up later by doing two lists on one of the remaining days.

i'm wondering... did you watch the dateline special that was on tonight? i was so glad i did. ten years ago, it was unfathomable that i would ever forget what happened and get back to a sense of normalcy. yet, that's exactly what happened... so slowly, it was unnoticeable. and that is why i think specials like what was aired tonight are important... so we don't forget. of course, it would be difficult to forget completely, as in memories being completely wiped away. but what does happen easily is that we forget to think about it. we move on. so, if you are like me, you need to be reminded.

not that we should dwell on it. but every year, when september 11th roles around, i'm brought to tears, but also moved to gratitude for so much. this ten-year mark, though, is the most difficult yet... maybe because networks and news programs are spending more time on it than usual.

as i watched tonight, i cried quite a bit. though the fear and confusion that accompanied the sadness, bewilderment and grief in 2001 is no longer there, it is still just as heartbreaking and impossible to understand.

i don't really write much about it each year on my blogs, because it is difficult for me to express my feelings about the memory of that day and what we all watched through coverage of it for weeks to come. i won't attempt to write much more tonight than what i already have, either.

though many of us {even those directly affected} are healed or in the midst of healing or just beginning to heal from such a tragedy, i think we are all sort of re-living it again these ten years later. i weep for those who lived through it or those who had loved ones who did not live through it. i can't even imagine...

there is a chance i won't blog on the 11th, either {for the same reason}. if i do, i might try to make my list somehow related. when i started my list series for my birthday, it was not with this sad anniversary in mind. but now that it is so close, memory of 9/11 sort of changes my ideas and thoughts about continuing the series. i remember these feelings on a larger scale ten years ago, too. since i am shortly to turn forty, it only makes sense that i turned thirty just days after 9/11 in 2001. i remember thinking about how a thirtieth birthday should be a very celebratory time for someone, but how i was just not feeling that way at all... how my birthday seemed trivial in light of all that had just occurred. and i remember my birthday was sort of a sad time that year. i think a group of us were at my parents house, and instead of celebrating, we all sat together on the floor and prayed for the victims of 9/11.

it's not like that now so much. but even just the memory and reminder of that makes me feel a bit the same today... like my fortieth birthday is really nothing when it comes right down to it. i will celebrate... for sure. but for now, the sobering reminders of what happened ten years ago will put my lists on hold for a bit.

one of the things that struck me the most tonight were the interviews with the young moms who were married to some of the firefighters or passengers on flight 93. at least three of those moms had just had or were about to have a baby, and they lost their husbands to the tragic events of the day. my heart went out to them so much, and it made me realize how much i want to treasure every single minute with my guys. i realized, i don't even need forty reasons to hold them closer or treasure them more. i had one giant reason staring me in the face as i watched my television through tears tonight.


beth said...

we watched it, too....
and yes, like you, it makes me want to hold my loved ones a bit closer.
ps...i cried, too....even though most of those interviews i had already seen throughout the years on the today show....they still touched me. immensely.

georgia b. said...

me, too, beth... i had seen several of those interviews before. and though i know i saw the one about josephine who was in the stair well with the firefighters when the tower fell, i had forgotten about it, and i don't think i saw the interview in its entirety before. so it was like watching it for the first time. that one moved me the most. i just can't believe their story. truly amazing!