12.24.2011

he's makin' a list. he's checkin' it twice. he's gonna find out...

who's naughty...
naughty isaac

behind bars_1

behind bars_6
{so busted!}

or nice...
behind bars_11

behind bars_16

nice isaac
{so sweet.}

~ ~ ~

i could hardly bring myself to post today. my mood does not go with the whimsical nature of this post {or at least not with the photos and title parts, anyway}, as i've felt beyond disheartened for much of the day. there are some things i will never understand {not for lack of trying} and today was one of those days where that realization got to me.

it started out okay. but then i saw some things that made me further question things i already had a difficult time understanding.

it's not as if today was the first time i have had a day like this... it's not even the first time since isaac was born. but it's been a while. and on days like this during my pre-mama career, it was one thing... i could do what i had to in the privacy of my home... cry, pray through some frustrated sighs and tears, question things out loud, sniffle, even growl and vent. but when you have a little one who is always at your hip or ankles, always looking up to you, days like this are a lot different. you have to hold it in... hold it together... for their sake. and that is not always so easy to do. in fact, sometimes doing it makes you feel even worse, 'cause you can't get it out the way you used to. and then you just blow a gasket after a while! i don't want that peanut to pick up on my sadness or frustration or feelings of utter disappointment or anger.

i'm sure if i google it, i'll find lots of little sermons on how to be a good mom that does not let her kid{s} see her struggles or the emotions that come about as a result. and i plan to read those sermons some day, unless someone reading can lend a word of advice about how they do it in their own lives with their own kids.

but today, i'm just feeling spent. i'm disappointed in myself for letting my son see a side of me he has not seen very much... a side that so obviously affected his mood. and i'm disappointed that i let myself even be that way at all, kids or no kids.

it was, on my part, pure lack of faith, strength or ability to rest in truth. and while i possess those three things much of the time, they sometimes drain out of me... and today, i hit an all-time low today. i was more a restless wreck than i was a calm, strong, at-peace mom.

oh, and moods like this don't stop with the kids. hubby's get the backlash, too.

let's just say, i was acting more childish than my own son was acting... and i don't mean "nice". i could much more appropriately be labeled under the "naughty" category... ummm... "brat" might have been my husband's word of choice.

picture my face {and the face of my heart} a little more like isaac's face in the first photo above... g r r r r r r !

i'm fortunate to have a forgiving, understanding, listening hubby. but kids of less than one year old just don't have those capacities yet. thankfully, though, they also don't remember things for too long. by the time we went to bed, we were all cuddling on the couch together, playful and at peace. letting go of bad moods and miscommunications and any external circumstances that threaten to steal our joy. rough night behind us.

i expect i'll need to learn to harness my emotions around my son as he grows. i don't want to ignore them or hide them... they are part of real life that i want him to not just know about, but expect to come along. but i do most definitely want to keep them in check. and i want to, in doing so, teach him to deal with the things in his life that aren't always pretty or perfect.

i was recently advised by a friend from church who i really respect to flow with the river of pain or sadness or anger, when grieving something. i used to get down on myself for feeling these things... as if i should be bigger than them and not let them affect my days. i felt a great sense of relief when she told me this. i would much rather flow in a river of those {seemingly} negative emotions, than sit or even drown in stagnant pools of them that fester into bitterness and hate.

she gave me permission to grieve.

it was like getting permission to breathe.

now, i just need to find that blend of permission, surrender and obedience that will make me the wife and mom i should be for my husband and son... even when i'm having a really, really bad day.

8 comments:

urban muser said...

well, he certainly is a cutie. i hope you are feeling better soon!

beth said...

i'm not sure if hiding your emotions from kids is a good thing....we did and now with them in their 20's they practically freak out when we have a bad day....

i say being real with your kids is the way to go. i think they need to know that if they have a bad day at school, they can share that with you and not hold it in, if you've shared with them that you've had bad days, too.....

just an opinion from an old mom :)

anyhow....the pics are precious and i feel for you with whatever you're going through.

i had a horrible day thursday....maybe it's just something in the air that gets mixed and shaken with the emotions of the holidays that makes it even worse.....

merry christmas to you all....xoxoox

beth said...

oh sweetie...i just wrote a super long comment and i think blogger just ate it.....and my kitchen is calling me....so more later.......

xoxoxoxoxo

nacherluver said...

Sorry you had a bad day. Please don't be too hard on yourself. I think it's safe to let our children see that we are human and have a range of emotions. Especially boys. Boys are usually taught to be "tough" and the lesson "boys don't cry". Crying is cleansing. It's the body releasing negative emotions. Stuffing is no good.

Kids can relate to feelings of sadness and anger (as long as it's safe and not over the top). It validates their own feelings and allows them to see that emotions are normal.

I once heard that guilt has no place in parenting. It is a negative emotion that can cause harm and bring no good. It was one of the best pieces of advice I ever heard. It allows me to be human and learn from mistakes and/or situations and move on rather than dwell and cause a bigger problem.

Just sharing from the heart here. Take it or leave it for what it's worth.

You're a wonderful mama with a wonderful family. Give yourself a big ol' hug, then hug the little one and your man. Peace to you and yours and a very Merry Christmas.

Candace said...

I'm sorry you're having a bad day but I bet it won't affect Isaac adversely at all. My last 2 weeks have pretty much sucked but, oh, well, I can't seem to get beyond it. Thank you for your lovely e-card and I wish you all a very Merry Christmas.

kristin said...

balance is a delicate thing. i think what your son will appreciate most will be your authentic you. the good and the bad days. for he will grow to understand he is human as are you and we all have ups and downs and emotions we may not be the proudest of... xo to you. you are doing great! look at that sweet face in your shots. pure love. thanks for adding this to my post at ss yesterday.

georgia b. said...

thank you, kristin! sage advice from a respected momma.

Stacey said...

I love love love this post, Georgia. You know what....it's OKAY to be real. Isaac will respect that about you as he gets older. I think sometimes my kids appreciate that I'm not "perfect". I think they appreciate it when I have to apologize to them, as hard as that is.

YOU are an amazing mama.

xo