late blooms and longings fulfilled

i woke up this morning and the very first thoughts to pervade my thinking were those of longings—those still outstanding and those fulfilled, even if late. i was overwhelmed by these thoughts, and i began to weep right there in my bed. this is not a common occurrence, so i know when realization like this is really knocking me down, because it will cause this spontaneous outpouring of tears.

i think i was just overwhelmed by the thought that everything is okay--these were not tears of disappointment, rather of seeing upon awaking that i am truly content. this has been a difficult year so far. a year where i feel like i am on the top of a mountain that represents age and prime of life. there were times i felt like if i looked back, i'd see my past and opportunities missed. i'd see all the great things i was blessed with and realize that i did not enjoy them enough while they were there. if i looked forward, i'd see that opportunities like those were far less and things would never be the same. this was not negative thinking--it was just realistic.

but this morning i awoke and realized two things. one... i have always been a late bloomer. i've always been blessed to look about ten years younger than i actually am. my teenage biological changes happened much later than all my peers. i got married much later than i had ever imagined i would. i did not figure out what i felt passionate about for a career until more than ten years after i graduated college. and i still do not have children—my biggest longing. i'm even always late when it comes to insignificant things—like not having a cell phone until a couple of years ago or not having internet at home until a couple of months ago. but as silly as those last two seem, it shows a lot about me—i'm content without a lot of what the world says we should have.

still, i have struggled immensely this year with my longing for children, my longing for relationships restored, my longing for opportunities to pursue new found passions. i have struggled with my age and changes in my appearance and physical health.

however, secondly, this morning i woke up feeling at peace. feeling movement and stillness at the same time—the movement part was a feeling that God is working where i can not. the stillness part was a feeling that all is well. feeling that wherever i am, whatever my age, things are happening and things are good and things will be okay. you can not help but weep if you are under this sense.

a very dear friend gave me this verse last year when i was waiting for test results and for doctors to figure out my mysterious ailment.

"hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." —proverbs 13:12

she framed it with four pictures she had taken of trees in the different seasons. i love this verse and have leaned on it many times since. i love when something is written about the seasons that symbolizes a life. even the hope of a longing fulfilled is like life to me.

i think the biggest reason for my joy and contentment regarding where i am in life right now is that i have found the most needed and coveted creative outlet that i have yearned for in years through blogging. it may be a phase, but it has been {as i said in another post on another blog} feeding my creative soul.

so although we are on the cusp of winter, i chose to use this image of a flower that i took in the late summer—to signify late blooming. i am content. i am satisfied with early blooms, on-time arrivals, late blooms–even the things that may never bloom. i am content. i have so much, and i am content.

{the words on the photo are from a favorite song by a favorite band called the innocence mission.}