12.20.2008

late blooms and longings fulfilled

i woke up this morning and the very first thoughts to pervade my thinking were those of longings—those still outstanding and those fulfilled, even if late. i was overwhelmed by these thoughts, and i began to weep right there in my bed. this is not a common occurrence, so i know when realization like this is really knocking me down, because it will cause this spontaneous outpouring of tears.

i think i was just overwhelmed by the thought that everything is okay--these were not tears of disappointment, rather of seeing upon awaking that i am truly content. this has been a difficult year so far. a year where i feel like i am on the top of a mountain that represents age and prime of life. there were times i felt like if i looked back, i'd see my past and opportunities missed. i'd see all the great things i was blessed with and realize that i did not enjoy them enough while they were there. if i looked forward, i'd see that opportunities like those were far less and things would never be the same. this was not negative thinking--it was just realistic.

but this morning i awoke and realized two things. one... i have always been a late bloomer. i've always been blessed to look about ten years younger than i actually am. my teenage biological changes happened much later than all my peers. i got married much later than i had ever imagined i would. i did not figure out what i felt passionate about for a career until more than ten years after i graduated college. and i still do not have children—my biggest longing. i'm even always late when it comes to insignificant things—like not having a cell phone until a couple of years ago or not having internet at home until a couple of months ago. but as silly as those last two seem, it shows a lot about me—i'm content without a lot of what the world says we should have.

still, i have struggled immensely this year with my longing for children, my longing for relationships restored, my longing for opportunities to pursue new found passions. i have struggled with my age and changes in my appearance and physical health.

however, secondly, this morning i woke up feeling at peace. feeling movement and stillness at the same time—the movement part was a feeling that God is working where i can not. the stillness part was a feeling that all is well. feeling that wherever i am, whatever my age, things are happening and things are good and things will be okay. you can not help but weep if you are under this sense.

a very dear friend gave me this verse last year when i was waiting for test results and for doctors to figure out my mysterious ailment.

"hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." —proverbs 13:12

she framed it with four pictures she had taken of trees in the different seasons. i love this verse and have leaned on it many times since. i love when something is written about the seasons that symbolizes a life. even the hope of a longing fulfilled is like life to me.

i think the biggest reason for my joy and contentment regarding where i am in life right now is that i have found the most needed and coveted creative outlet that i have yearned for in years through blogging. it may be a phase, but it has been {as i said in another post on another blog} feeding my creative soul.

so although we are on the cusp of winter, i chose to use this image of a flower that i took in the late summer—to signify late blooming. i am content. i am satisfied with early blooms, on-time arrivals, late blooms–even the things that may never bloom. i am content. i have so much, and i am content.

{the words on the photo are from a favorite song by a favorite band called the innocence mission.}

17 comments:

onesilentwinter said...

Georgia, this post is beautiful.. we share so much in common..this has been the most trying year for me..reason are very similar!!

thank you for posting this..blogging has helped me and also pushed me and the people have inspired me..i hope the same for you..you are lovely i can feel it every comment you leave and how you see things....

may the new year bring clesarity and the path that leads us to the things we have been waiting for!!!

with much love and kindness,
n

Georgia B. said...

thank you, n.

it helps me to know there's another.

O. Joy said...

You have a way with words..... a way of putting into words what I (& I'm sure many) have felt/are feeling. Some rush to bloom & the blush is past. The late bloom is always the most beautiful...
I too don't have children & now am too old - plus I'm single... with no family. I've put it to rest & am now at peace. Peace & acceptance are gifts!! And yes.. good to let God have the reins! Love the proverb - she must be a great friend!! Glad I found you & your blog! I have a feeling that there are many kindred spirits out in blog land!! Irony of ironies, my friends don't read my blog... they kinda don't get it! We're a little community here!!

Anyway, I've rambled & strayed!! This is such a moving, beautiful & heartfelt post... thank you for sharing!
xoxo

Peter Tschirhart said...

Hi G, You are describing so well thoughts and feelings that even though they are universal, can be very difficult to articulate. You are offering up some very good writing. It's a pleasure to read your blog.

I like the picture very much, I'm watching flowers as they watch the sky.

Georgia B. said...

O. Joy, you can ramble any time you like if it is words like these. Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful interaction.

truly the best part about blogging is the friends i've made.

Georgia B. said...

thank you, Peter. this feeling is mutual.

Claire said...

G, you offer so much hope because you allow God to use you, to work in you.

This is my deepest longing and God through you has revealed to me that this is His only desire for me.

My hope is full and pregnant with expectation...

ELK said...

tears,words & thoughts, honest and true for many~thanks for sharing your half in tomorrow half in today image. you are really a very insightful person and I marvel at the depth of your post.

Char said...

you left a verse on Vintage Chair that I wrote down in my notebook that I keep in my purse. And I love it ....I love this blog too. And my verse for you (but I can't remember the cite) is ".... Joy cometh in the morning"

Chris said...

This is a beautiful post. I am right along with you for the ride, and to help you get that smile and laugh back when need be. I like the image of the blooms though, and I don't think there is a pre-determined plan for everyone out there. Everyone grows and changes at their own pace. Some people get married for the first time in their 80s! I was late in this too (much later than planned). But then you have to realize how unique you are and how you are able to be wiser and more experienced as you go through things much later than other people. Sometimes when we're in the heady days of being young we take too much for granted, but this post alone tells how much you cherish the blessings in your life. Your life is an exciting journey, and I can't wait to see how things go for you in the next several years and beyond :)

Georgia B. said...

thanks, Chris—my buddy who knows a lot of this already through conversations at work. :)

and thank you Claire, ELK and Char. i consider you all friends.

shilvia said...

beautiful...and how wonderful it is to be content!!!i feel the same way about blogging too, as well as the late bloomer part :)

SILVER said...

I feel moved by what you wrote.

This year had been my many "firsts" without my other half and I too waking up some mornings just in tears or sometimes not really knowing what to feel.

But being able to find peace and in contentment, i think you'd just hit the right key to finding a right balance in all things. And thank you for reminding me too, that I can still always count my blessings.

;)Silver

Wine Geek said...

Chris, sometimes I wonder if that's what life is all about. Longing for something can really ache when it seems to evade you. Thank you for sharing this with us

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