4.21.2009

honesty ahead... proceed with caution


this is one of my more difficult days. i try not to show it on my blog when i have one of these. but sometimes, it helps to express it, and i think it might even help others who can identify for some reason. so i decided to write this anyway.

losing my job has been a lot harder on me than i thought it would be. it is strange how many facets of your existence it affects. i won't go into the details. mostly, i'm finding it difficult to focus on what i should do next. there are so many things i should do, would do, can do, want to do . . . maybe too many. maybe that is the problem.

i've never known not working since i was fifteen years old. to be in this place after so many years and not by choice is foreign to me. i know there are so very many people in my position or worse.

a few days ago, i ran into a friend that i had not seen in twenty years. her husband just lost his job, they have three kids, and he is not eligible for unemployment benefits because he is a self-employed contractor. she is a stay-at-home mom. i felt so bad for her situation. but hearing it also made me realize that things could be so much worse for me.

i have good days and bad days. hard to believe—it hasn't even been that long since i lost my job. it just seems like it. maybe with time, it is something i will get used to. maybe with time, i will find a groove of how to spend my days—figure out how to focus. maybe i will come up with creative ways of how to best use my time.

maybe i'll find a new job and won't have to find that groove.

if you are going through this too, as i know that at least a couple of you are, i understand what you are going through, and i truly hope the best for you—that you will find work very soon. if you are not, i pray that you will not ever know this cloudy place. but if you do, the only thing i know is that you get up every day—just like you do when you are working. and you keep going. sometimes you don't know where you are going, but you are going. and that's the important thing.

15 comments:

ELK said...

i am glad that you wrote about how you are feeling it can be not only helpful to many but also freeing for you to get the words and feelings down on "paper"...what better place to do it than your space where those of us who support and love you come for a visit and a big (((((hug)))))
to you this day and each day you take on this journey...it will have a happy ending I am sure of it !
...elk

Char said...

honey you know I adore you...and yes, I so know what you're going through. it's damn hard...I sat and cried with my brother last night about fear because I'm scared...so scared. Like you, I try to keep a brave face and a positive spin because I cannot sink into the sinkhole. I keep busy and focus on other things because I cannot only focus on the loss...but I'm angry - so angry.

warm thoughts are being sent your way because I know the struggle (and I adore you some more ... just sayin).

Georgia B. said...

Char.

thank you. i knew you would relate. i know the fear you speak of. i sat down and did the math the other day—income versus expenses. it just does not look good.

thanks for fighting with me. it's such a great support!

ELK, thank you as well. i feel your hugs! :)

Rochelle said...

aw sweetie, thanks for sharing what you're going through. i'm always one for sharing our stories... not complaining, just sharing... telling our stories and how we're dealing with them can often make a huge difference to someone else. and just saying them "out loud" can help yourself process it as well.

i don't know what you're going through in the same sense, but i definitely feel those days of dark, overwhelming clouds suffocating me and making me feel like i will never have a normal life again (today is one of those for me as well). but then there are all those great days when God is vividly there, the sun is shining, and hope is in the air. we'll always have both kinds of days, it's just how we let them affect us in the long run that matters. i think those dark days are necessary though to give us time to reflect, re-analyze, and re-assess our lives, so that when the sunny days return we are that much more aware and ready for the next step.

God promises no more tears, no more sorrows, no more fears. until he returns on that hopeful day, we'll continue to look for him, work for him in whatever capacity he allows for us, and bring people to him. until then, keep your head up, and remember that God is watching out for you. he'll take care of you. don't doubt. be who he wants you to be. the other stuff will just fall into place....

i love you G, and i'm praying for you!

Ida said...

You are in my prayers.

Haphazardkat said...

I truly believe that with your wonderful talent and creativity, you will find a way through this foggy time.

What I have found is--when in times like these it helps to talk to anyone and everyone you can. People are wonderful resources--allow them to be used to light your way :)

*sending hugs*

Kat

Trimkompaniet said...

Hi!
Just found your blog and love your photos!
Can I borrow this photo and put in my blog ? I will offcourse put a link back to your blog.
I hope everything works out for you .
kind regards
Mia
Sweden

Georgia B. said...

Mia, yes of course, you may use it! thank you.

Roe, Ida and Kat, thanks for your encouragement. truly.

apriliniowa said...

I hope gainful employment that makes you happy comes your way soon. Sending good wishes your way. :)

JLBO said...

I'm thinking of you, Georgia; sometimes I'm very angry when I think of those (bankers, speculators, politicians, etc.) who are responsible for this whole mess, but most of the time I think this ordeal will make you (and us) stronger and more compassionate when this economic and moral crisis is over. In the mean time we have to stick together as best we can and pray for one another. Keep going and have faith.

beth said...

my hubby has been looking since january and it's not been easy on him or me...

who would ever guessed that this would be happening to so many of us??

hang in there !!

EnnythingGoes said...

wow, it is true. you have worked since you were 15 and quite a work ethic you have shown starting back then! well, do not fret. instead enjoy. take some time to rest and get stuff done that you've wanted to get done and make this a special time to bless Brac. who knows, maybe you won't ever have to go back. Now, now, that could happen. and if not, going back to work will come soon enough. so be a stay-at-home wife to the fullest! i love you!

Claire said...

g i have not been retrenched but there was a time in my life where i was a stay at home wife. i can remember going through the same emotions that you have described here. things seemed off kilter for me. i was afloat with no real purpose. i found myself turning to God for solutions and i found that He alone was capable of teaching me to wait in Him, despite the fear, the inadequacy and the questions. He also taught me to be something to Calvin at that point which i was not even aware of. in the end as it always is with God's timing, it was a season of blessing.

i am praying for you. calvin does too. thank you for sharing your heart with us. it draws us all closer and then we become the congregation that jessi was referring to.

i care for you deeply.

all my love,
c

Candi said...

I am so sorry Georgia. It sickens me that in this day and age when things were so prosperous just a few years, we're all being faced by such a disastrous economy. Keeping you in my thoughts.

Georgia B. said...

thanks, everyone. it is great to have that kind of support. you have all been very encouraging.