it's time

rough days.

another sleepless night.

questions.

i just read this at the blog of a friend of mine, and i found it poignant and relevant, as i am doing the soul searching {for lack of a better term } that i mentioned i've been doing in my last post.

"the soul is like a wild animal- tough, resilient, resourceful, savvy, self sufficient. it knows how to survive in hard places. but it is also shy. just like a wild animal, it seeks safety in the dense underbrush. if we want to see a wild animal, we know that the last thing we should do is go crashing through the woods yelling for it to come out. but if we will walk quietly into the woods, sit patiently by the base of the tree, and fade into our surroundings, the wild animal we seek might put in an appearance." ~parker palmer

i've decided to go get professional {or at least semi-professional } help for my struggle and fight against depression. i don't mean medication. i truly believe this is not chemical, rather circumstantial. i don't really talk to anyone about my sadness over being childless. and i am starting to realize i need to.

i've been in denial that i am fighting depression, because i felt i had to be crying more or sad more often to be depressed. but i realized it can take on other forms, like loss of interest in the things i used to be interested in. like loss of drive and motivation. i'm not ashamed or embarrassed that i need help. no one told me to do this. i have made this decision alone.

and trust me, there is so much more than just the children issue that i need to be talking about. my heart is aching right now beyond belief. i only feel able to share because i have been showered with e-mails and messages from people telling me they appreciate my honesty and courage to be vulnerable here lately. that meant so much, because i was afraid i had been too much of an open book here and turned people away.

i especially want to thank cindy k., cindy s., meigan p., peter t., julie t., kate s., claire b., chris h., angela h., and jessi j. for the way you reached out to me these past few days. you'll never know what it means and just how important it was in the moment you did so. but i thank all of you who have read here and left me comments and encouragement, too.

anyone who has taken the time to read here, knows my heart is heavy. it physically aches. i hope it is as temporary as the snow that is falling outside my window {which by the way, is very beautiful, as could be this time in my life if i let it.}

simply, thank you.

i covet your prayers.