2.02.2010

it's time

woods in winter

rough days.

another sleepless night.

questions.

i just read this at the blog of a friend of mine, and i found it poignant and relevant, as i am doing the soul searching {for lack of a better term } that i mentioned i've been doing in my last post.

"the soul is like a wild animal- tough, resilient, resourceful, savvy, self sufficient. it knows how to survive in hard places. but it is also shy. just like a wild animal, it seeks safety in the dense underbrush. if we want to see a wild animal, we know that the last thing we should do is go crashing through the woods yelling for it to come out. but if we will walk quietly into the woods, sit patiently by the base of the tree, and fade into our surroundings, the wild animal we seek might put in an appearance." ~parker palmer

i've decided to go get professional {or at least semi-professional } help for my struggle and fight against depression. i don't mean medication. i truly believe this is not chemical, rather circumstantial. i don't really talk to anyone about my sadness over being childless. and i am starting to realize i need to.

i've been in denial that i am fighting depression, because i felt i had to be crying more or sad more often to be depressed. but i realized it can take on other forms, like loss of interest in the things i used to be interested in. like loss of drive and motivation. i'm not ashamed or embarrassed that i need help. no one told me to do this. i have made this decision alone.

and trust me, there is so much more than just the children issue that i need to be talking about. my heart is aching right now beyond belief. i only feel able to share because i have been showered with e-mails and messages from people telling me they appreciate my honesty and courage to be vulnerable here lately. that meant so much, because i was afraid i had been too much of an open book here and turned people away.

i especially want to thank cindy k., cindy s., meigan p., peter t., julie t., kate s., claire b., chris h., angela h., and jessi j. for the way you reached out to me these past few days. you'll never know what it means and just how important it was in the moment you did so. but i thank all of you who have read here and left me comments and encouragement, too.

anyone who has taken the time to read here, knows my heart is heavy. it physically aches. i hope it is as temporary as the snow that is falling outside my window {which by the way, is very beautiful, as could be this time in my life if i let it.}

simply, thank you.

i covet your prayers.

24 comments:

Char said...

you always have my prayers

beth said...

oh georgia....

thank you for the personal email letting me know what's going on....and if I could, I'd hop in the car and come down there and see you....

your braveness right now, is being seen as a bright light...I see it...and I hope you do, too !

warm hugs....

Lisa said...

oh, georgia. i think this is an awesome decision you're making! talking to someone professional can take such a load off of your shoulders. it helps so much. i think it will be a really awesome thing for you. you are definitely in my thoughts and prayers, and my heart aches for your difficult time. truthfully i've been having a hard time with some things lately, and have thought about seeking out therapy, too. so. thank you for sharing! :) hope you have a great week, and know i'm thinking of you.

CDScott said...

There is strength in seeking help. Good luck Georgia.

Oliag said...

So many highly creative people are also highly sensitive to their inner lives...it is smart to find someone you can trust to help you...I think so many of us think that sadness is something we should be able to deal with on our own so we don't look for help when we need it...I am going to find help in dealing with the sadness of dealing with the loss of my sister...When I was young I also had to grieve for the loss of children I could not have...just as great a loss...

Meri said...

I understand. Getting pregnant was not the issue for me; staying pregnant was. I had multiple miscarriages and three separate preterm births in which my baby boys died from 1 day to 6 weeks after being born. It was hell, but I was eventually successful with lots of medical intervention and time in bed. Sometimes the path you're on takes you to the very darkest places. What can I do to help?

slommler said...

You definitely have my prayers. Seeking help is a sign of strength and a resolve to be the best you can be. Hoorah for you dear one! I applaud you journey. May it be fulfilling. And may it be more than you thought it would...in a positive way. Make sure you are very comfortable with the person you chose.
Hugs
SueAnn

Hi Kooky said...

You are a brave soul Georgia. You've got my prayers.

cj said...

You're welcome. Keep going. :)

This link is to my personal soul searching blog...

Cindy Knull
http://www.cindyknull.com
This is my professional one.

S. Etole said...

you know my prayers are with you ...

ELK said...

you are doing the right thing...know that I care friend

spread your wings said...

Georgia, you will be in my thoughts and prayers. i think it's a positive step for you to make this decision. I so appreciate your honesty and openness here on your blog. hope you find the sort of help you are seeking. best of luck.

smith kaich jones said...

There IS strenght in doing this. I suffer from a pretty severe anxiety disorder, for which I do require meds - been dealing with it since before I began school. Every once in a while, a depression hits, always circumstantial, never requiring a new drug, but requiring some understanding, some TLC, some attention. You will be fine, you will feel so much better. That is me you hear cheering you on from the sidelines.

xo
Debi

april in iowa said...

I admire your honesty, Georgia. I wish I could open myself up as you can...like a flower...each petal unfolding. I think it shows so much of your character. And your depth. Wishing you well. Hoping your well. And hoping sleep finds you.

Kara said...

Ian and I are also...just us. Through our infertility struggles we connected with an amazing group of people with the same situation. But now, out of this group we met three years ago, we are again the only couple without kids. They have all adopted, and we have not.

We want to, and we were foster parents for a while, which was an awesome experience. But the kids left to other homes, and I have such fears of trying it again, because the foster care system is invasive and terribly disingenuous.

I know nothing I say changes your situation, but I always found comfort when other people showed me their similar struggles. I didn't feel so alone. So pointless and directionless.

But I find myself there again often, without notice. Crying a lot, depressed, a feeling of...nothing. Being thankful for what I have is a struggle every day. I feel like such an a-hole saying that, but it's true.

We'll make it through all this, my friend. I sought counseling as well, and it did help quite a bit. My marriage suffered and still does because of infertility and the search for direction. There is no shame is needing a mediator of your thoughts and feelings.

I will pray for peace and understanding. It will come. That is what I believe, anyways.

maccandace said...

Best wishes, I hope you feel renewed for the spring.

Rochelle said...

Just by taking this step to talk with a professional is a good sign -- you will pull out of this funk and be inspired again. Sending virtual hugs!

The Curious Cat said...

oh georgia, I only visit sometimes and I came today to see you and read your post and my heart ached for you...

I think you are doing the right thing honey, and I think you've already made a start on the road to recovery by making this decision and also by the fact that you are being open and writing down these things - it must help a little without you even realising perhaps...an open book is often better than a closed one.

I did a beginners counselling course once and you know what? I think everyone could benefit from a little bit of counselling in their lives at difficult times. It helps to talk, and it is not a bad thing at all - it is a very positive decision to make. To take control of the situation and actively do something. So many people just get stuck and won't help themselves.

Anyway, we're all here...some of us more regular than others but the blogging community can be such a supportive, friendly group so be rest assured that you have people behind you, holding you up and wishing you all the happiness you deserve. Take care xxx

~Hurricane B~ said...

Oh, sweet and deat Georgia. I did not go away, I could not view your blog. So do not think your readers went away. Maybe they had that problem. It said I needed an invite, so since I had not been posting or reading lately, I figured I had been booted. I am so glad to be able to see your blog again, even if your posts are heavy and full of deep emotions. It is you, the real you. That is what it is great about the blogs...it is for YOU to be YOu. I sent you an email. Big hugs from Belgium

~Hurricane B~ said...

Okay well I was going to send an email, but I can not find your email address. I thought we had exchanged a few in the past. So if you can send me your email. If you want to that is. I just wanted to send you a lil note.

Barefoot from Heaven said...

Sweet sweet Georgia. I'm so sorry for my lack of interest and seeing on the spot were you are going...

But do keep having faith that it's all for a good that this is happing to you. I know you don't wanna hear any of it right now. But it's true. I've been there. I've did it. And I came out a better person. Not for others but for ME. And because I'm a better person for ME I can be a better person for others too.

My heart is reaching out for you my friend. Hold on tight but also let go gently and soft all the things you need to let go. Get help and surrender in a good way. This is half the fight you are winning. You made a start here and do not shame only feel strong and good about the desicsion you've made.

I'm sending you lots and lots of sunny light beams to lift your havy heart a bit. Do open your arms sweetie and try to catch them. They are all for you. Just You.

The warmest hugs.
Dagmar

Claire said...

my g,

just as you carried me, just so i am here and going nowhere.

thank you to you also...

my prayers are continuous.

i love you.

xox

Joy said...

Saying a prayer for you, Georgia. You are a wonderful, talented lady who has much love to give.

Jaime said...

I know you wrote this a while ago...and I am sorry that I am such a sporadic blogger and missed this when it was most important for you to receive as much support and love as possible...but when it comes to depression, I know it is never to late to offer up some love. I understand depression...been there more times than I can count, and was on meds earlier in my life to help me cope. It's a terrible monster than can steal your soul away at times, and I just want you to know that you are not alone (I know you already know this, as you have received an outpouring of support, but add me to the list of people who care).
Wishing you gentler days as the season changes. You are loved.
xoxoxoxoxo