9 + 9 = ♥

today is isaac's nine-month birthday. i almost forgot about it. {actually, technically, i did forget... mr. b. had to remind me.} i remembered every single other 15th of the month between last june and this month. but not today. i think it was because i was in a state of delirium with the crazy gorgeous weather we had. almost 80 degrees!

anyway, when mr. b. called at lunch, i had him on speaker so isaac could listen, and he said happy birthday to him. i blurted out, "oh, that's right! i almost forgot!" and then it dawned on me... isaac has now been living outside of my tummy for as long as he was living in it.


i find that pretty cool! so it had me searching for all my old pregnancy photos. and i'll share why in just a bit.


i dug up all my favorite shots, most of which were taken by a friend who became my official pregnancy photographer. back when they were taken, the only photos i would tend to put on this blog were ones taken by me, so most of these never made it on here. but now, i am less rigid about putting only my photos on here and will include others' photos from time to time, especially if they pertain to my life and tell parts of the story of it {as is often the case with photos of me where i can't be the one taking the pictures}. in the case of the first photo, though, i did happen to take it. {i think i set the camera on the coffee table and used the timer.}

i was about twelve weeks along in this photo. i think i was still slightly in shock at that point... being pregnant had not fully sunken in yet. though it is difficult to even recognize that i was pregnant here, i used this photo to announce my pregnancy in the blogosphere.

i have to admit something, here. {something i have considered writing about on my blog for quite some time, now.} i really miss being pregnant. IMMENSELY... and have for many months. when i see other women who are pregnant, i get a tinge jealous. actually, i guess it's not really a jealousy as much as it is a sadness... i'm sort of sad because i can't ever relive those days. just like i can't relive the days that isaac has lived outside my belly thus far, either.


i know it's so silly of me to get sad! i don't know why it happens. maybe it's a natural thing for first-time moms??? {or perhaps it's even because i have a sense that this will be it for us... no more kiddos?} but it seems weird to me that i get that way. i think i feel more sad when i see other women who are pregnant after having given birth to my own baby, than when i'd see them before i got pregnant... when i thought i couldn't have children.


this longing becomes almost tangible, too. when i was at that baby shower a couple weeks ago, something i observed immediately brought my mind back to my pregnancy... when i saw the mama-to-be rubbing her belly {which was something i did all the time when i had a growing baby bump}. i could swear i almost reached out to rub my own belly right then, secretly hoping the bump would still be there... like a woman who reaches for her long hair, long after it's been shorn... or sleepily reaches for her husband's hand in the morning, long after he has already left for work.

i'd think i would be so utterly grateful to have my son that there wouldn't be such a strong urge to be pregnant again. it almost seems selfish on my behalf. part of it is that i really do want to have another... a sibling for isaac. but there is a small part that simply misses those days when he was growing and developing inside me. despite some difficult days, it was the most magical time, and i find myself thinking of it often.

the next several photos {and the shot above} were taken at twenty-one weeks by my girlfriend. these never made it onto this blog until now. it is surreal to look at them all these months later. i've almost forgotten what those days were like, which is why i am so glad to have the photos. it makes me so happy when i look at these again. to say these images of a truly unique time of life are special to me is an understatement.

i never want to forget the quiet, blissful memories of being pregnant with isaac. it's why i am so glad that a friend captured the days on camera...

the smiles.

the reflection.

the pondering.

the wonder.

the sheer excitement.


the laughter.

she might have captured us {isaac and me} when i was cranky and hormonal, or worried and nauseous, or tired and sore. but she was able to come photograph on the good days... and i'm so grateful to have the photos to remember it by.

from here on out, isaac's days of breathing air will outnumber his days of breathing fluid. as lengthy as my pregnancy seemed, the first nine months since his birth have seemed to last so much longer.

it's strange to think that i did not know he was a boy throughout the entire pregnancy {though i had a very strong feeling that he was}. if i think back to those days, it somehow feels like it was known that he was a boy all along, because i am so used to the fact that i have a boy now. it's also strange to think that i couldn't have felt more love for him than i did right then, because now, i feel like i love him so much more... and couldn't possibly love him more now either.

i miss those days, for sure. but i am enjoying him so much {which i make a point to write about often} right now... in these days and weeks that will soon join the ranks of past pregnancy memories and newborn memories... days that will be longed for the way i miss the days of carrying him inside me and bringing him home from the hospital.

it's so crazy to think that some day, not only will i not be carrying him inside, but i won't even be able to carry him in my arms and on my hip anymore. that is the very reason i keep that little black contraption called a camera with me all the time... aimed toward him more than any other thing.


that said, i know i've been posting a ton photos of him lately {something only his mother could truly appreciate}... so i thought it would be fun to walk down memory lane and, instead, post the photos of hidden-him in his first nine months to celebrate visible-him in his second nine months.

i'm so thankful for the pictures taken while he was in my belly. {my mom always reminds me how back in her day, baby bump progression was not often recorded... especially not the way you see it creatively done today.} to look at them now is to vividly remember exactly how i felt when he was there in that quiet, safe little world. without the photos, the memories would still remain. but they would be nothing like what i feel each time i see them again.


here are a couple more from when i was thirty weeks pregnant... probably my favorite shots from the entire pregnancy.

i'm no less amazed, now, than i was then... about the biology and science and creation and miraculous nature of carrying and giving birth to another human being. even though it is nine months in the past, i'm still in awe of it all. in fact, just looking at that basketball-of-a-belly above makes me incredibly speechless... to think he was in there, and now is out here... living, breathing, smiling, giggling, observing, loving. it's overwhelmingly incredible to think about!

i did not take a single photo of isaac today to mark his nine-month milestone. but that's okay, because there are plenty from recent days, and i am happy to relish these bump photos for a day or two, as i don't see them much anymore. plus, in three short months, there will be more than enough photos taken of him on his one-year birthday to make up for what i did not take today.

i love that little munchkin with all my heart. though fondly missing the past eighteen, i look forward to the next nine months with him... and well beyond!