"late blooms and longings fulfilled" revisited

dear readers and friends,

i've been feeling a little bit uneasy these past couple of days about possibly appearing too down or too honest on my blog. if you have been reading here for a while, you know i try to have a positive outlook on life—even in the midst of difficult circumstances. and that is not an act or a front. it's how i truly try to live my life—looking on the bright side.

because i felt so bad for letting down my guard and showing the less than bright side, i was encouraged to remember a post i had put on this blog about nine months ago. i remembered what it said, and thought, "i need to repost that for myself {to remind myself of times of trusting and knowing things will be okay}, as well as for my readers so they get a better understanding of why i posted what i did two days ago." i especially felt i should explain to my newer readers who may not know from past blog posts about the one thing that has been most difficult in my life.

before i explain more, i'll let you read the post i am speaking of below. then i will add some more thoughts below that.

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late blooms and longings fulfilled{written 12.20.08}

i woke up this morning and the very first thoughts to pervade my thinking were those of longings—those still outstanding and those fulfilled {even if late}. i was overwhelmed by these thoughts, and i began to weep right there in my bed. this is not a common occurrence, so i know when realization like this is really knocking me down, because it will cause this spontaneous outpouring of tears.

i think i was just overwhelmed by the thought that everything is okay—these were not tears of disappointment, rather of seeing upon awaking that i am truly content. this has been a difficult year so far. a year where i feel like i am on the top of a mountain that represents age and prime of life. there were times i felt like if i looked back, i'd see my past and opportunities missed. i'd see all the great things i was blessed with and realize that i did not enjoy them enough while they were there. if i looked forward, i'd see that opportunities like those were far less and things would never be the same. this was not negative thinking—it was just realistic.

but this morning i awoke and realized two things. one... i have always been a late bloomer. i've always been blessed to look about ten years younger than i actually am. my teenage biological changes happened much later than all my peers. i got married much later than i had ever imagined i would. i did not figure out what i felt passionate about for a career until more than ten years after i graduated college. and i still do not have children—my biggest longing. i'm even always late when it comes to insignificant things—like not having a cell phone until a couple of years ago or not having internet at home until a couple of months ago. but as silly as those last two seem, it shows a lot about me—i'm content without a lot of what the world says we should have.

still, i have struggled immensely this year with my longing for children, my longing for relationships restored, my longing for opportunities to pursue new found passions. i have struggled with my age and changes in my appearance and physical health.

however, secondly... this morning i woke up feeling at peace. feeling movement and stillness at the same time—the movement part was a feeling that God is working where i can not. the stillness part was a feeling that all is well. feeling that wherever i am, whatever my age, things are happening and things are good and things will be okay. you can not help but weep if you are under this sense.

a very dear friend gave me this verse last year when i was waiting for test results and for doctors to figure out my mysterious ailment.

"hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." ~proverbs 13:12

she framed it with four pictures she had taken of trees in the different seasons. i love this verse and have leaned on it many times since. i love when something is written about the seasons that symbolizes a life. even the hope of a longing fulfilled is like life to me.

i think the biggest reason for my joy and contentment regarding where i am in life right now is that i have found the most needed and coveted creative outlet that i have yearned for in years through blogging. it may be a phase, but it has been {as i said in another post on another blog} feeding my creative soul.

so although we are on the cusp of winter, i chose to use this image of a flower that i took in the late summer—to signify late blooming. i am content. i am satisfied with early blooms, on-time arrivals, late blooms—even the things that may never bloom. i am content. i have so much, and i am content.

{the words on the photo are from a favorite song by a favorite band called the innocence mission.}

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so here are my additional thoughts today {9.11.09}.

1. looking back, i realize this is all still true, but sometimes i lose sight of it, and i get overwhelmed.
2. the thing from that post that i struggle with the most is the part about not having children.
3. because of that, when something significant happened recently to cause me to face that reality more head-on than usual, i lost sight of my purpose here and lost my ability to have faith that i may still have children.
4. i've felt in the past that i am too open and personal on my blog, but i've also been told by some readers with posts like these that they are appreciated words—honest words that help them deal with their pain, too. so i don't mind putting things like this out there.
5. that said, i sincerely hope that i don't turn readers away—readers who are perhaps coming here just to see positive thoughts or neutral thoughts or simply my photography.
6. and that said, i apologize if my last post was too personal and honest. i sincerely did not want to sound depressed to anyone, nor did i want anyone to feel sorry for me {which is why i turned the comment option off—i did not want anyone to think i was seeking attention or comments}. i only wanted to be expressive, which i find it very easy to do on this blog.
7. pain is a part of everyone's life in one form or another. i don't think we should necessarily hide it. but i know there is a time and a place for expressing it, too.

so to wrap this all up {sorry for the ultra-long post}, i have been overwhelmed over the past week with something i had to face head on in regards to my deepest struggle. and on top of that, i was informed that i was not considered for either job that i applied for. i found this out for both on the same day. it's been a rough several days, to say the least. lots of resurfacing heartache and mounting uncertainty about the future and finances and all those big life things.

but i am already doing better. less anxious. more trusting again. more hopeful again. i had to write and ask for your understanding, hoping i have not turned anyone away. i hope i can always be honest here, but also find the right balance. if you can identify, i hope this helped you. if you can not, i hope you understand. thank you for reading this.

this girl over here who mostly just likes to take pictures, but sometimes has some stuff to say,
~g