9.10.2009

"late blooms and longings fulfilled" revisited


dear readers and friends,

i've been feeling a little bit uneasy these past couple of days about possibly appearing too down or too honest on my blog. if you have been reading here for a while, you know i try to have a positive outlook on life—even in the midst of difficult circumstances. and that is not an act or a front. it's how i truly try to live my life—looking on the bright side.

because i felt so bad for letting down my guard and showing the less than bright side, i was encouraged to remember a post i had put on this blog about nine months ago. i remembered what it said, and thought, "i need to repost that for myself {to remind myself of times of trusting and knowing things will be okay}, as well as for my readers so they get a better understanding of why i posted what i did two days ago." i especially felt i should explain to my newer readers who may not know from past blog posts about the one thing that has been most difficult in my life.

before i explain more, i'll let you read the post i am speaking of below. then i will add some more thoughts below that.


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late blooms and longings fulfilled{written 12.20.08}


i woke up this morning and the very first thoughts to pervade my thinking were those of longings—those still outstanding and those fulfilled {even if late}. i was overwhelmed by these thoughts, and i began to weep right there in my bed. this is not a common occurrence, so i know when realization like this is really knocking me down, because it will cause this spontaneous outpouring of tears.

i think i was just overwhelmed by the thought that everything is okay—these were not tears of disappointment, rather of seeing upon awaking that i am truly content. this has been a difficult year so far. a year where i feel like i am on the top of a mountain that represents age and prime of life. there were times i felt like if i looked back, i'd see my past and opportunities missed. i'd see all the great things i was blessed with and realize that i did not enjoy them enough while they were there. if i looked forward, i'd see that opportunities like those were far less and things would never be the same. this was not negative thinking—it was just realistic.

but this morning i awoke and realized two things. one... i have always been a late bloomer. i've always been blessed to look about ten years younger than i actually am. my teenage biological changes happened much later than all my peers. i got married much later than i had ever imagined i would. i did not figure out what i felt passionate about for a career until more than ten years after i graduated college. and i still do not have children—my biggest longing. i'm even always late when it comes to insignificant things—like not having a cell phone until a couple of years ago or not having internet at home until a couple of months ago. but as silly as those last two seem, it shows a lot about me—i'm content without a lot of what the world says we should have.

still, i have struggled immensely this year with my longing for children, my longing for relationships restored, my longing for opportunities to pursue new found passions. i have struggled with my age and changes in my appearance and physical health.

however, secondly... this morning i woke up feeling at peace. feeling movement and stillness at the same time—the movement part was a feeling that God is working where i can not. the stillness part was a feeling that all is well. feeling that wherever i am, whatever my age, things are happening and things are good and things will be okay. you can not help but weep if you are under this sense.

a very dear friend gave me this verse last year when i was waiting for test results and for doctors to figure out my mysterious ailment.

"hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." ~proverbs 13:12

she framed it with four pictures she had taken of trees in the different seasons. i love this verse and have leaned on it many times since. i love when something is written about the seasons that symbolizes a life. even the hope of a longing fulfilled is like life to me.

i think the biggest reason for my joy and contentment regarding where i am in life right now is that i have found the most needed and coveted creative outlet that i have yearned for in years through blogging. it may be a phase, but it has been {as i said in another post on another blog} feeding my creative soul.

so although we are on the cusp of winter, i chose to use this image of a flower that i took in the late summer—to signify late blooming. i am content. i am satisfied with early blooms, on-time arrivals, late blooms—even the things that may never bloom. i am content. i have so much, and i am content.

{the words on the photo are from a favorite song by a favorite band called the innocence mission.}


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so here are my additional thoughts today {9.11.09}.
  1. looking back, i realize this is all still true, but sometimes i lose sight of it, and i get overwhelmed.
  2. the thing from that post that i struggle with the most is the part about not having children.
  3. because of that, when something significant happened recently to cause me to face that reality more head-on than usual, i lost sight of my purpose here and lost my ability to have faith that i may still have children.
  4. i've felt in the past that i am too open and personal on my blog, but i've also been told by some readers with posts like these that they are appreciated words—honest words that help them deal with their pain, too. so i don't mind putting things like this out there.
  5. that said, i sincerely hope that i don't turn readers away—readers who are perhaps coming here just to see positive thoughts or neutral thoughts or simply my photography.
  6. and that said, i apologize if my last post was too personal and honest. i sincerely did not want to sound depressed to anyone, nor did i want anyone to feel sorry for me {which is why i turned the comment option off—i did not want anyone to think i was seeking attention or comments}. i only wanted to be expressive, which i find it very easy to do on this blog.
  7. pain is a part of everyone's life in one form or another. i don't think we should necessarily hide it. but i know there is a time and a place for expressing it, too.
so to wrap this all up {sorry for the ultra-long post}, i have been overwhelmed over the past week with something i had to face head on in regards to my deepest struggle. and on top of that, i was informed that i was not considered for either job that i applied for. i found this out for both on the same day. it's been a rough several days, to say the least. lots of resurfacing heartache and mounting uncertainty about the future and finances and all those big life things.

but i am already doing better. less anxious. more trusting again. more hopeful again. i had to write and ask for your understanding, hoping i have not turned anyone away. i hope i can always be honest here, but also find the right balance. if you can identify, i hope this helped you. if you can not, i hope you understand. thank you for reading this.

this girl over here who mostly just likes to take pictures, but sometimes has some stuff to say,
~g

19 comments:

Alina said...

I love you blog very much. It brings inspiration into my life in so many ways. Every day I get these little messages in my inbox from Notes From The Universe. A few days ago I got one of the best ones ever. I am going through some very demoralizing times right now as well, but repeating this in my mind helps.

"Did you know, that in your gorgeous little planet's entire history, there's never been a drought that didn't end? A storm that didn't clear? Lightning that didn't retreat? An earthquake that didn't still? A flood that didn't recede? Or a plague that wasn't, eventually, overwhelmed by the healthy?

Now, as a rule, I'm not into odds, statistics, or gambling, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that something's going on down there; that the deck is clearly stacked; and that you've got friends in some very, very, very high places.

The Universe"

Keep moving forward. From what I have read so far, I see that you possess the resilience and strength to take you through anything life may bring your way.

Anonymous said...

Miss G,
I know just how you are feeling, I like you didn't get married until 30, I had Angelina at 34 and Jacquelina at 36. I didn't plan for this to happen this way but it did, We even had a miscarriage 2 years before Angie was born.
Don't give up on your dream of children, It will happen. You will be a great mom when it does. As my mom kept telling me, you need folic acid in your system , take your vitamins. That is what she would tell me.

I am sorry about your interviews, They lost out on a really talented person.

Don't give a hope. Things will turn around for you.
I am rooting for you.
:)
your friend always Julie T.
:)

Anonymous said...

Don't give up hop is what I tried to say. Typing to fast again. Sorry J:)

Char said...

i needed this reminder too as i've been very sad the past couple of days - to be taken from the highest joy (i thought - i was practically told - that i had a job in the bag) to one of the lowest points (it doesn't appear to be as in the bag as they thought)

hope is indeed that small bird that perches on our shoulders.

tell me again how joy comes in the morning?

Hi Kooky said...

Well, you're preaching to the choir here. I'm fine with people sharing what's going on, whether they're up or down! I believe too often people don't reach out for the support they need because they're afraid of sharing their troubles for one reason or another. You certainly haven't scared me away! :)

Also, I'm a late bloomer. When I was 21, I was giving my 17-year old cousin a ride to school. A cop pulled me over, told me he thought I was 12, and that my big brother (cousin) was letting me drive. *sigh* Being only 5' tall doesn't help. I also don't rush for the things the world rushes for. So I totally feel the late-blooming thing. And I also know what it's like to be content with it...

As for you, you hang in there and feel free to express what you need to via the blog. Sharing yourself can actually minister to others at times. Also, remember that sometimes you get what you want but God gives it to you in totally unexpected ways! You never know what's around the corner...

Jer. 29:11

God bless and have a good weekend!
[[[hugs]]]

Rochelle said...

oh sweetie, all us bloggers struggle with this. it's hard to know what to say and how honest to be. just keep doing what you do, being real and as open as you feel led to be, and people will respect you for it.

i'm thankful for your openness, because as your friend, it helps me see what's really going on in your life, and i have better ways to pray for you. i hope you'll keep being yourself here and really open, but i understand the difficulty in it.

so sad to hear about the jobs, ughhh. :( i know you don't want people to feel sorry for you, but as your friend i wanted you to know i'm sad for you anyway, and that i'm praying feverishly that God will open the doors to your next opportunity, hopefully soon. it's one thing to know he's there controlling it all and taking care of you, but it's another to go through it, hit rock bottom, and feel him there beside you when all you feel like doing is screaming "WHY?!" i know. it stinks. i've got nothing else to say except that i love you, i'm praying for you, i'm sending you a big hug, and know that someone not too far away knows a little bit of what you're going through.

{{{big bear hugs}}}

elk said...

sorry georgia...sending love to you across the miles

Lisa said...

oh, miss georgia.

i wish i knew what to say, or which one of these thoughts in my head to start with.

so, i guess, first, i don't think that you should feel badly about sharing here on your blog. it's an outlet. it makes you real. it makes you human. i feel that even though i don't really KNOW you, that i do, actually. i know you through your blogs, and through the view through your lens. you inspire me and make me think just a little deeper with each post you make. in lots of ways, i look up to you. even though i don't know you in person, you are definitely someone that i respect and think fondly of.

(i hope that's not weird. :P)

and. for your longings...i am sorry that these things have you feeling down right now. i know that the uncertainty of life can be so overwhelming and frightening. i truly truly wish for you that the desires of your heart will be fulfilled, and i truly believe that they will be. but, in the mean time, it's ok to feel down. sometimes we have to let those feelings in, and deal with them, just so we can appreciate the beauty on the other side of those feelings.

have you seen "henry poole is here" yet? i had no idea what it was about, but it kind of looked good from the cover, so i picked it up. it has luke wilson. anyway. it's beautiful. just beautiful. haha. i actually thought of you while i was watching it. it's a beautiful movie about faith, and believing, and the cinematography is just gorgeous (that's actually why i thought of you, some of the visual shots reminded me of how you photograph things.) anyways. you should watch it. it might give a new perspective on life. seems silly, since it's a movie, but. i dunno. it was just..really encouraging and surprising to find a movie that's about something as simple as faith, when movies aren't really like that these days. so. yes.

:)

take care, georgia. <3

apriliniowa said...

Georgia~I have much to write you about this post & will tonight after dinner. You are such a lovely creature with an even lovelier soul. And I mean that. From the bottom of my wee heart.

Liss said...

I think every now and again we are allowed to feel this way after all we are all only human. You can't post fluffy stuff if you don't feel that way inside and I think the truly expressing the way you feel you move into the then stage, will have you process your thoughts clear and work to where to next.

I think you have much support in blog land and there is no need to apologise for how you feel.

cmv said...

i've just stumbled upon your blog recently and am so glad that i did. your photography is beautiful and, this post especially, is such a beautifully candid yet completely relatable reflection. thank you so much for sharing- i am sure you are helping more people than you know by voicing your struggle. i feel like i can relate to what you write about so well. it's always nice to stumble upon connections (even distant random online ones) which help people get through their days a bit easier. i hope things soon turn up for you. one thing which always reassures me when i'm feeling that way is the thought that the only thing in life that i for SURE can count on is that everything is temporary. it helps me get through the rough times easier and relish in the happy times more.
thanks so much for sharing.

spread your wings said...

i'm so sorry you've felt sadness off late, but i'm glad you shared it - it proves you are human. there's a bright light in my day when i come to your blog and i want to thank you for that - your positive outlook signs and inspires us all I feel sure. but it's meaningful to hear that you struggle some days too. i've been having sad days lately as well - and i posted a tiny bit of it and felt a similar sort of hesitation about being so open. But i think it's good. there are so many caring people here on the blogs it helps, me at least, to hear their support or connection.

Haphazardkat said...

your honesty is as refreshing and beautiful to read as the wonderful pictures you post.
rest easy, my friend :)

maccandace said...

I'm sorry, Georgia, that you're in a down cycle right now. It will turn around, really. And you shouldn't feel bad about posting whatever you want to your blog.

Claire said...

everything you are, in your multifaceted layers, is beautiful and i appreciate it all. i especially appreciate that it is a complete life that i witness here.

sending much love and continual prayer.

Sandy K. said...

I love your blog, and what you share seems to mirror my own thoughts so much. Sharing with you makes me feel as if I had a new friend, one I hope to meet some day:). In the mean time, trust that there is a reason for everything...including not having a job right now. Maybe you'll find you're meant for something else - and it will happen and it will be wonderful. Be patient, and thoughtful and enjoy your Blogging friends:). We're here for you!

sweetmyrtle said...

hi georgia,
i have just played catch up on your posts and am so sorry to read life is dealing you sadness and difficulties just now... i love your blog and the way you write... and can identify with being positive and looking on the bright side of life despite hurts and personal pain... some days these hit harder and other days thankfully the pain is a little lighter. i have always written a diary where hurts and feelings can be written down... out onto the blank page... real and ready to face head on.. i find this process brings me clarity and often acceptance ... it helps me.
blogging reaches out to people... shares feelings and gives support... your blog is real, honest and beautiful and though i have only recently 'met' you i know you are also like this and your inner strength and light really do shine through here through your posts.sending you love and prayers and all good things for the future x from the other side of the ocean. ginny xxx

Dani said...

hey gal. i love your words (along with your photos). it's good to be you. whatever feeling you're expressing. because we all go through struggles and happiness, feelings and lulls. it's good to know that you're not alone. i think being honest and sharing is the best way to let you be known and to know that you're not alone. imagine what would happen if we didn't share.
i'm sorry that you are struggling. that you've had all this bad news. my thoughts and prayers are still with you...everyday.

Heather said...

I'd been away a few days and had missed this post when you initially wrote it . . . I appreciate the honesty and courage with which you take pictures and share from the heart. Its not easy to decide where to draw the line between too much and not enough self-disclosure blogging. Ultimately, it's you that you must take care of. I think that the response you've received speaks highly of the many friends that will not drift away because you share your struggle with them! Whatever you decide its right for you to share, will be just right! And I'll keep coming back because you seem to be a kindred spirit:)