my cup runneth over

{caption: my cup of tea and a few words i think of as i daily sit and drink while pondering this pregnancy... had time and legibility permitted, there would have been a thousand more words added into the cup. words here read "great joy, uncertainty, anticipation, excitement".}

~

overwhelmed

overjoyed

overtired

over the moon

overexcited

overemotional

overtaxed

over-grateful

overstimulated

over and over and over

~

pregnancy is so unbelievably overwhelming... the many emotions and thoughts and responsibilities and decisions and physical manifestations and difficulties and fears and uncertainties and needs and wants and blessings and uncontrollable changes and life-changing things that come with it are sometimes more than i can handle, process or contain.

i'm half-way through {minus one week} as of today, and i have already gone through so many stages and transformations, and i am simply at a point of exhaustion. in a good way. but i definitely see me needing to slow down a bit. i think, when the severe nausea finally ended about a week ago {which was great timing, because that is when my two photography workshops started}, i went into "catch up on lost time" mode, and i frenzied to fit in all that i had missed out on in the first few months of my pregnancy.

and those first few months were by far the most difficult months of my entire life. perhaps because of my age. maybe partly because this is my first pregnancy. partly because of our financial situation and struggles. and quite possibly because i am not the strongest of people to walk this earth {part of why i have made my word for 2011 "strength"... which i still have yet to write about}.

anyway, gratitude does not even begin to explain the way i feel about having a child finally. but in with gratitude are so many other things. great joy. great uncertainty. many fears. great self-doubt. overwhelming responsibilities and decisions. great expectations. great disappointment when those expectations are not met. great need. great desire to savor every single moment and dive into writing about and photographing my journey... i don't just mean pictures of or words about my belly. i mean every detail of my life through these nine months. and beyond.

it is why i have become so involved in and excited about these workshops i am doing. one is more photographically based {picture winter} and the schedule is a lot more demanding... one prompt per day. the other is a lot more writing/reflecting based {simple soulful}... with some photography challenges thrown in. and after not having blogged in so long or taken pictures in so long, i have jumped in to both with great enthusiasm, and i can say after one week... i'm pooped! really pooped!

it's almost like i have been over-stimulated. i have met so many awesome people through these workshops and received so much inspiration and food for my creative soul. but i have also contributed so much, via trying to be creative and reflective, and also trying to show support to the others in the workshop via comments and new e-mail exchanges and such.

it is sunday... one week since they started, and i am exhausted.

but i am also reaching a point of exhaustion in my pregnancy when it comes to everything else i talked about in the first paragraph. and i feel like it's time to slow down, breathe, gain a new perspective, quietly plan, account for what i do have and what i can not change and make a way for myself in this great responsibility of bringing a child into the world.

so, this will be my focus over the next week... and hopefully more. if i have to miss a picture winter prompt or two, that's okay... in fact, for today's prompt, i used an old photo rather than going and creating a new one for the assignment. i just did not have the strength. and normally i would have posted them, but today's and yesterday's two will be left out on this blog to make room for what i need to say today.

i have been given so very much over the past four and a half months. great care has been taken for us, and the lengths that people went to step in and up for us has been overwhelming and made me grateful to the point of tears.

speaking of being cared for and being overwhelmed, look at the reading material on pregnancy and baby-raising that has been showered on me since the news of my pregnancy got out! i have been blessed to have several people who bought books for us and lent us books too, and i even have a few from the library. YIKES! i am not a reader. so imagine how a stack like this might seem like a tower to me!

i have to say, though... i was so blessed and touched when on christmas day, i sat next to my husband on the couch at his brother's house and he said something so sweet and encouraging to me about this. my sister-in-law was sitting on a chair across the room reading a book on caring for a newborn. {they just had their first last september}. they have had some difficulty getting their little one to fall into a routine, so she was reading up on ways to maybe help that along.

i looked at b. and said, "i'm gonna be so bad when it comes to that... you know how much of a reader i am NOT. i'm going to be winging it, since i don't really tend to read up on things, and i'll probably make so many mistakes." then he said to me, "you know what? i don't think so. i think you are going to be great and a total natural when it comes to being a good mom. i don't think you will need to be too hard on yourself in that way... even if you are not good at researching things. i have a feeling you will figure it out, i see that instinct in you. you don't need books."

{not to say that is not true of my sister-in-law. i believe the same could be said of her. but she does research by profession, so i just see her being better about reading up on things and exploring all her options. anyone who knows me, knows i am not a big reader, so i feel i will lack that piece.}

anyway, i thought it was so sweet of him to say. it really made my day... my week... my pregnancy!

well, this post is turning into something really long. i've been doing that lately... it's my way of recording, documenting and journaling through this most significant time of my life.

but, even I think it's getting too long. and like i said, i'm pooped.

so i am going to leave you with one final "over"...

over and out
{wink}