YAY! {it's not what you think}. it's good news in a must-see video for creatives like me. {seriously... you should watch it. it's only about five minutes, and so worth the time.}

oh, WOW! what a relief! and, no... if you were thinking i was going to say my camera is fixed and everything is okay, i wasn't. 'cause it isn't. i'm relieved about something else, however.

so, if you read my last post and didn’t just skim it, but actually read all 9,000+ words, you’ll know that it wasn’t simply a post to vent about my camera breaking. it was, in fact, about much, much more.

it had to do with something underlying... much deeper down than just frustration over losing the use of my camera. it was about me feeling like i’m not doing well at what i set out to do and feeling like i'm not yet a respected or bonafide photographer in my eyes or the eyes of others because of it, all of which broke open and spilled out when my lens inevitably quit rather out of my control.

the fact that there was something much deeper going on was something i knew as i was writing it. and i knew it each time i subsequently re-read it to search for typos/errors. and i know it still.

but what i didn’t know when i wrote it {and never knew before today} was that there are others out there who feel exactly the way i do. actually, scratch that. i already knew others feel the way i do. better said, there are others out there who are experiencing exactly what i am.

let me explain.

one of my sweet photography blog friends {jen}, who i met through this here blog, read my last post and immediately knew exactly what was going on deep down at the core level of me... inwardly... not just what was showing at first glance. she knew exactly what my struggle is, as she was able to see past the sniveling complaints i expressed on the surface and speak to the real issue beneath. so she wrote me a private message on facebook, addressing those things that are deeper down than even i realized... things i didn't see, because i was/am too close to the situation and unable to look at it in a not-emotionally-charged, objective way.

jen is also someone i respect very much as a writer and thinker... and mom... which is why i felt readily open to what she had to say.

so my post today is about her message to me, which i'll share in its entirety. {i hope that's okay with her.} but first, i’m going to share the video she had me watch. she included the link to it at then end of her long and thoughtful message... a message i received and read last night, but i just now got the chance to watch the video for.

it’s a clip of ira glass {of n.p.r.} talking about something experienced by storytellers in their creative journeys. but anyone who watches it could apply it to any creative type, really. and the way i see it, the photographer's craft isn't much different than his or others like him, because we also tell stories, visually... or hope to.

as i sat there watching and listening to him talk, it was all i could do to keep from hitting the pause button so that i could immediately pop over to my blogger dashboard and start writing a post about it. it really excited me {in a good way} and had such a profound effect on me... instantly! an effect that had me sitting there thinking something along these lines...

no way! this is SO me, and never once have i heard it explained this way by someone else. in fact, i thought i was the only one out there that felt this way about myself as an artist. and i most certainly never would have admitted {about myself} this piece that he said is true of most creatives at some point in their journeys, because i thought it was a negative quality to have... one that could not be “fixed” or changed in me.

hearing what he said sort of freed me from my thinking. {that's the relief is was referring to in my first sentence.} and it gave me the push i needed to keep going, because what he described is soooooo me.

oh, goodness... i guess i should just share the video before i keep rambling on, so that you know what in the world i’m talking about.

whaaaaat???? you know about this, ira? you knew this about me? and there are others? what?

everything he talked about in this just hit me like a ton of bricks. especially this part... where he says “there’s a gap... that for the first couple years that you're making stuff, what you’re making isn’t so good. okay? it’s not that great.” {um, TOTALLY how i feel lately} “it’s trying to be good. it has ambition to be good, but it’s not quite that good.” {still me} “but your taste... the thing that got you into the game... your taste is still killer.” {yep... still me... i  have good taste in photography. i see it everywhere. everywhere! “stuff that *i* just, like, love”... to quote his woody-allen-esque way of putting it. i just knew this clip was going to be good from the moment i heard him bring taste vs. product into the mix!}

what he said next is the kicker statement that sort of knocked me off my feet, like wow!...

“and your taste is good enough that you can tell that what you’re making is sort of a disappointment to you. {...like, you can tell that it’s still sort of crappy.}”

yeah... pretty much nailed it. right there, he said so completely and precisely what i am going through. and the best part of watching the video was learning that this stage sometimes lasts for years in the creative journey of some {including his own}.

what a relief to know this is normal! i’ve always been able to admit this view of myself to myself, but never able to say it out loud {except maybe to mr. b or my mom}. i thought i was alone and odd to feel what i did... and still do.

now it's out in the open, 'cause i realize it's quite okay.

oh, how i don’t want to be one of the ones who quits while in that frustrating stage. before i even saw this video, i vowed i wouldn’t quit. even at the end of my last post, i said i wouldn’t quit now... thus the title “why i feel like throwing in the towel” and not “why i am throwing in the towel.”

as for his advice?... “do a lot of work. do a huge volume of work.”

that is why i take a lot of pictures of my son or anything else i have a chance to photograph, especially while not in the middle of prime photo-shoot season and not getting opportunities for real gigs. that is why having a working camera is important to me all the time, even if losing the use of it is only the straw that broke the back of the camel i call"disappointment with my work".

i realize that in order to press on through this stage no matter how much longer it will last, i need to keep working {or playing}... a lot. and for that, i need a working camera. that’s where all my tears came in, because that's where i felt the most helpless. {not that taking breaks from your craft isn't healthy, too. but only i-will-return breaks... not quitting for good breaks.}

to be honest, though i could not have put it as poignantly as mr. glass did, i already knew everything he said to be true of myself and was already pushing through it. i’m not going to be so blind as to say that the photography i put out there, whether professional or personal, is great stuff or as good as i want it to be. {good is a very relative term, by the way, so when i say good, i mean at a hoped-for level i have for myself some day... and even that is relative, because i hope i never stop improving. but you know what i mean... and if not, watch the video again. *wink*}

anyway, i was doing this already... pushing through this stage that i didn't even know other people experienced. there have even been times when i needed to stop looking at the work of others so that i would stop comparing and stop beating myself up, wondering when i’ll ever arrive at the level they’re at.

such a comfort it was to be told that others go through this... and that, at least as far as this video brings to light, it’s okay. it's normal and perfectly acceptable.

here is all of what my sweet friend said to me...

Georgia Georgia Georgia!  

After I read your blog post, I knew I must message you. I’ll get right to the point.  

1) God is the ultimate Creator of goodness and beauty. We are made in his image. When we create and bring beauty, we are reflecting and glorifying God to the world which needs all the beauty and goodness it can get. You have the gift of creating beauty. This is between you and God - He gave it to you and He knows your abilities will bless the world. You are doing Kingdom work. Do not compare yourself to others (oh boy I know how hard that is). Just spend some time with God thinking about the way he has equipped you and asking how you can continue to bless the world.  

2) I have watched someone - a mother - become VERY successful with a portrait photography business. Her photos were gorgeous and I believe she was grossing about $80,000 a year at her peak. (!) Guess what. Her business succeeded because she placed it as a priority over motherhood. After a mysterious and debilitating illness stopped her business, she said, “I think God is telling me to focus on being a mom right now.” And she is. You already understand that your role as mama supersedes your role as photographer. Bringing beauty in a quiet way is NO less important than bringing it in a big way. Bringing beauty reflects God, and God sees it all.  

3) Maybe you’ve seen this, but if you haven’t, I think you’ll like it! It’s Ira Glass talking about the creative process and what to do when you feel like your stuff isn’t as good as you’d like it to be. Or if you’re wondering if you have what it takes. This little video is so encouraging and his advice can apply to any creative medium. {of course, the video she is writing about is the one i posted above.} 

4) You have good taste and great ability! Keep on going because a) it’s what you were made for (to reflect God) and b) the world needs the beauty you bring. Okay. I think I’m finished for now. Hugs and feel better and WOW I hope you can get your lens/camera fixed. I think everything will work out just dandy.  

Jen

what a nice note. in fact, all of you who commented, whether on my post or in a private message, wrote such thoughtful and encouraging things.

i felt especially encouraged in being reminded by jen that it’s okay to have a desire... even a desperation... to create, because we are made in God’s image, and He is the ultimate creator. He made in us a desire to create. i don’t have to feel like it’s a waste of time or wonder if it can fit into my priorities or into the picture of what my life looks like as a proverbs 31 wife and mom. and i really needed to be reminded of that.

so thank you, jen {and everyone else}, for cheering me on to hang in there and keep going!

some of you who commented told me that you are in a similar place right now. so i hope this video helped you, as well. i couldn't keep from sharing something that was so helpful to me with any other creatives out there. if you’re one who's already gotten past that stage, then i hope you can share the video with someone who has yet to get past it, the way jen did for me.

why i feel like throwing in the towel

so, i sit here and write through my tears. tears of feeling deflated and defeated. not tears for anything that matters in the big scheme, of course. they're not over something that is life-altering or world-changing.

but they are a result of something that cuts to the heart of me. as i write, i realize i might be speaking prematurely, because i'm not even sure what is wrong at this point.

all i know right know is that, as of tonight, my camera doesn't work. my little contraption that is so very big to me. that thing i use to speak with {because i speak in pictures} and sometimes listen with, too.

my heart feels crushed.

i know that is so silly. find any number of blogs on the internet that write about injustices or hunger and poverty in various places all over the world... even right here in my own country. or watch the news and see stories of people dying in other countries because they are there doing work they believe in and somehow got in harm's way... like the story of the young diplomat from my neck of the woods who was killed in afghanistan recently and whose funeral was held today. or stories of moms who will lose their infant to a terminal disease. those are things that matter and should bring tears to ones eyes. not my silly camera busting.

but i still sit here crying. because i have a gig for a photo shoot at the beginning of may... something i was so excited for and haven't even mentioned on this blog yet, for fear that talking about it would make it fall through or burst into thin air as easily as one of isaac's bath bubbles does at the lightest touch of his tiny finger.

and because this is all wrapped in what i so badly want to do with my life... at every level. creatively. personally. professionally. communally.

arrow through my heart

with my arrows and hearts, this might have been a good valentine's day post if it was meant to be. but alas, it was not. it couldn't be, because valentine's day was over a month ago. and today is nothing more than the first day of spring... and my sister's birthday, too!! not that either of those things are anything to brush off as meaningless, 'cause they're huge!!

but lest i further digress, the point...

i can't tell you how many times since i've lived in this new house {almost three months now} that i have knelt down on my knees in our hallway to get shots like these of my sweet boy sitting in front of his book case {remember?... the one that holds his 400 books?}... reading, surrounded by a pile of recently "checked-out" books... content and happy as a clam... lost in a world of letters, words and illustrations.

i've said it before and will likely say it again... how tickled i am that he loves books. and that is the reason i've sat several times all incognito-like {a fly on the wall in the hall} to watch him and shoot him in the moment as he read. each time it looked a little different. sometimes that book case was open {which i loved, 'cause you could see all the books}. sometimes he was facing the door. 

but always, he sat unaware of my presence. and he focused like a laser beam. not even distracted by the sound of my shutter when i clicked {which is not like him!... he always comes a-runnin' when he hears that thing!}.

always a minute or two of me snapping my camera, bookended by my gazing admiration and a deep gratitude for was seeing.

never in all those times, though, did i feel like my photos were post-worthy. the moment was worthy. but i did not do a very good job of capturing the mood. or they came out all wrong, technically speaking. or they came off looking like i was trying too hard, and i never want to try too hard when it comes to taking pictures... especially pictures like these.

but this day was different. call it luck maybe? serendipity? i walked out of my office to check on him. {always always check on them when they're quietest, right?} i looked down the hall to my right to find him there. bathed in a single stream of light while all the room around him was dark. it was too good to be true. angelic. magical. precious. i nearly gasped. and within a split second, i thought "oh, quick. where's my camera?!!!" luckily, it was a mere two steps away.

anyone who tries to get pics of their {or anyone else's} toddler knows that you snap as quiclkly as you can before the moment flees, because kids that age have curious minds that have to fit four hundred and thirty-two things into the span of forty-five seconds and won't typically stay focused on just one for more than the time it takes to set your camera up the right way.

so i held my breath and quickly adjusted my exposure to make sure the shot didn't come out completely dark. click. look. darn! i over-exposed on my first try... thus the reason isaac's sunlit frame is washed out in the first shot. {still LOVE that shot, though... especially the way he is blurry in it.}

here is the internal conversation that was going on between me, myself and i during the process from that point on...

"yikes. oh, please don't move. please don't turn around and come toward me. please let me capture this moment before it goes. please, please, please. 

try again. 1/1600, f1.4, ISO800. there we go. that's better. got it! quick!... he's moving! take another one!! 

oh, wait. he's just shifting to a different book. phew! it's all good. okay. one more. 

oh, shoot! sd card is full! quick, delete something off the card that you've already uploaded and don't need. okay. this can go. please don't discover i'm here, isaac. okay. done. quick! shoot!

there, done! i hope i got what i wanted. you just never know until you look on the big screen."

hahaha. has that ever been you? if so, that all sounds familiar enough that i don't need to explain the turmoil of it all! taking pictures should not be that stressful! *wink*

seriously, though... i honestly didn't know if i'd capture the mood that was there. but then i got them up on the screen... and i was so in love and relieved to find something precious and priceless to me.

it wasn't just about the fact that i love these moments of his... with his books. this was not the first time i found him there. and it won't be the last.

and it wasn't only about the way the light looked and how it was coming in.

it was more. it was about what that light represented.

you see, after renting and living on the second floor of an old house {that had very little natural light... essentially none of the direct, streaming kind like we get now} for eight years, i found myself craving light... especially as a photographer. i'd see the work of other photographers... specifically, the work of dear photog friends i admire, even just today... and i would be so smitten with the way the light came into their rooms and the way they could photograph it. i honestly never once saw this kind of presence of light in our last place, so i never got to take a photo like these.

that's why, when i found it there today, my heart sort of melted. i thought "finally... this small, but significant dream of mine came true. a home with ample light."

i love light. i love photography. i love that little boy. and i love what that shed light revealed this day.

and i know these aren't "perfect", technically flawless photos. but they are the most perfect photos i've taken in a while if they've captured so precisely what is happening around here in our truly real day-to-day lives. and for that, they make my heart grin big. 

sort of the way he does.

basement sale

long ago, in a land far, far away {or a few years ago, one town over from where i live now}, i started an etsy shop. it was mostly created to sell personal vintage belongings or otherwise curated vintage finds. i sold a whopping three items. then my dream of getting pregnant came true, and my shop fell by the wayside. so all those vintage things i owned and planned to sell sat in my basement, waiting for me and my camera to photograph them in pretty ways and make them more desirable out on the world wide web to etsy and/or vintage enthusiasts everywhere.

then life set in. isaac arrived. sleep was no longer ample. i became that tired mom who was lucky if i ever even washed the floor... let alone posted something of value online for selling, or even just peeked into a box on a shelf in that very distant basement two floors down where the vintage goods lay dormant.

that's why i started to expect that i'd never do the etsy thing again. but then, i never thought we'd buy a house, either. and here we are. so never say never.

now we have a new basement that is all to ourselves {no sharing with other tenants or landlords} and we can organize just exactly how we want to. and we can do so at our own pace.

so when i happened to be down in that basement a couple weeks ago, i decided then would be a good time to organize my etsy, garage sale, and craft/diy piles. picture countless bins, boxes, bags {and any other containers that start with 'b' that you can think of to keep that alliteration going}.

then something really cool happened.

i went shopping... in my own basement. {i'm thinking nate berkus or some other designer would be so proud!} i picked out a few fabulous free finds for myself. {how's that for alliteration? five in a row!} it was like hitting the jackpot!... one that had been there all along.

here's the thing. i have no idea why i tucked these few items away to sell for my shop when i first found them, instead of displaying them in my own home. i think it is likely because i realized i had no room for new things in my former home, even though i loved the style and they would have fit perfectly among the rest of my interior decor. or... maybe i was so desperate for some extra cash at the time that i was willing to part with them.

whatever the reason, now that we are in the new house and the architecture of this one is unmistakably mid-century modern, i did away with the eclectic feel of our last home, which was a mix of mostly mid-century modern style with a few other interior styles and periods mixed in.

wanting this new house to have a definitive, simple mid-century style and mood, i've weeded out most other styles. anything that got the boot now sits in those etsy or garage sale piles mentioned above, though they once held a place of esteem on some shelf or table-top in our living spaces.

blah blah blah. the whole point i am trying to get to is that i rescued some mid-century pieces that i would swoon over if i saw them on etsy in someone else's shop today. and then i'd probably scoff at the price and say something like, "they want what for that?"

but on this little shopping spree, i didn't have to pay a dime!.. not even shipping. unless you count the cost of wear and tear on my knees from walking up the basement stairs to plant them in my new living spaces.

anyway, would you like to see what i got at this awesome vintage basement sale?

what's that? you say "yes"? okay, then. here are three of my finds {i've yet to photograph the others}...

hmmm... as i add these photos in, i'm realizing my finds have a "come in twos" theme. the cool part about these all is that i forgot that i ever owned them. i don't even recall my finding them in a store and picking them up for my shop {except for a slight recollection of the bird find}. but that made it fun to re-discover these all over. it was like finding treasures for the first time!

i'm excited to incorporate them into my new place and its growing decor! they're slightly kitschy, but i'm one who believes there's room for a little kitsch in our lives, as it brings a sense of whimsy to our surroundings.

i'm not quite sure what kind of wood was used for the carving of the two birds. possibly teak? i hope so, because that would make them even more quintessential mid-century modern. whatever wood was used, the very tip of the beak has been broken off of both birds. i find that somewhat disappointing, but i'm hoping there is a way i can restore the beaks with some type of repair substance. if so, it wouldn't take much.

i like that these look like a mama bird with her child. sweet. 

i've got plans for them to live on some shelf in my office {the room in our house which is the farthest from finished!... meaning it will be a while before i can get pictures of them on display... thus the makeshift backdrop display i created, which will also serve as my "studio" for photographing actual etsy items... the few i didn't take back *wink*}.

as for the mugs, i'm not sure how old they actually are. something tells me they are newer. but they look vintage and appropriate for the mid-century era. in fact, they remind a little bit of recently found set of dishes with huge mid-century flare that i am swooning for {and hoping to purchase at some point}. i think it would be fun to find some complementary saucers and paint some sort of similar vintage design on my mugs...

painting them may render them useless, of course. but that's okay. i've been known to have an item or two in my collection of dishes that are just for show.

these carafes, however, i could see getting a lot of use out of.


again, i'm not sure how old these actually are. but i think there is a chance that they are from the middle of the century. if so, they are in great condition. they will come in handy soon when the weather warms up and i start making more salads... some incentive to start the vegetable garden i've always wanted to have!

well, there's my etsy save for today. like i said, i confiscated a couple more things, too. but those will probably blend into the landscape of my regular room-makeover photos... if i ever get to them.

tomorrow we paint the wall in the living room that surounds the fireplace. and if we're really feeling adventurous, we'll paint the soffits above the kitchen cabinets, too! then, maybe i can start getting around to some of those makeover photos. i'm one of those people that doesn't like to reveal in stages, but rather once the entire room is done. but realistically, there is not a single room in the house that will be truly done for quite some time. so i'm going to have to learn to let go and just ease up with that comfort level. if i can manage that, i expect there will soon start to be some room re-do posts around here. finally!

how to get the librarian look on a dime and other awkward things

i'm doin' it, oh yes i am! 

finally going to attempt to follow along with the daily prompts {for taking daily pictures} over on project life 365. i've always wanted to do a 365 project, but i'm usually too undisciplined in my personal, just-for-fun picture-taking pursuits. with me, it's either feast or famine. and lately, it's just a whole lot of pictures of isaac, because he changes daily and i want to freeze each and every minute stage in time so as not to forget a single detail.

but i'm hoping to stretch more outside that comfort zone and get back to looking for a photo in every corner and pocket of life on a daily basis. daily prompts from others who are coming up with the ideas so that you don't have to can be a big help when you're burnt out or when you find yourself too busy to be intentional about it.

enter, PL365!
{middle.of.week.9.oops.better.late.than.never}

i finally perused the daily challenges page on their site yesterday, after having discovered PL365 a couple weeks ago. i saw that the prompt word {or challenge} for the day before was "blue". totally bummed that i missed that one, because i would have had some fun taking pictures of something blue for my initiation into the project. the first thing that came to mind was my vintage, faded robin's-egg-blue desk fan... a most photogenic inanimate object if i ever saw one!

"nook" was yesterday's prompt, which also had me wishing i had stopped by the site a little earlier {not that i can't still find a nook to photograph or break out that fan just for fun}. but when i saw the prompt for today, i knew today would also be a good day to start. the photo challenge for this first day of march was "you_today". 

challenge indeed!

you see, i don't like doing self-portraits {and it would have to be a self-portrait, as one of the rules for submitting to this project is that you have to be the one to take the photos}. i used to like making self-portraits. and i genuinely love when other photographers do self-portrature. but i've found i have a tough time with them when it comes to my own these past few years. in 2012, i even tried to join a self-portrait community of other women photographers doing a year of monthly self-portraits and sharing them in a flickr group. it was called in the picture... a collaboration to encourage those of us who are not too comfortable with self-portrature to get past that fear of switching to the opposite side of the camera.

but i quit after month-one or -two, i think. i did not at all like being in front of the camera anymore. it feels way, way, way more safe behind it. and i never found i could be quite as artistic and expressive with it the way others could {probably because they took the time to do something more creative with it than just holding the camera up to a mirror. snooze}. so i gave up. {see my last post, and you'll know i love to be expressive and artistic with other people in photography. just not with myself.}

so the idea of doing one today had me almost ill. but i made myself do it anyway, because today was a good day to start. 

you see, i just got new glasses, and there are some people {ehem... stacey, just to name one}  who have asked to see a photo of me wearing them. {this is the first time in my life i've ever owned and needed glasses, and i think they're curious about what it would look like.}

so i thought it was perfect timing... i would do a "you_today" self-portrait of glasses-wearing me.

here's what i came up with...

went the blurry route, first. less flaws and more mood. right?

thought bubble: "okay. it's all well and good, but people won't be able to see the glasses, and that was the whole reason for doing this."

take two...

i'll try the serious look.

thought bubble: "nahhh. i feel goofy... anything but serious. i feel like laughing. or crying. i feel uncomfortable! and i certainly don't do serious."

take three...

okay, how' bout artsy-fartsy?

thought bubble: "ooooor... how 'bout you just give this whole thing up, because you know you look nothing like the fresh-faced, young blonde in the photo-advertisement you saw at the doctor's office where you picked out your frames. you look a lot more like {insert the names of every stereotypical nerdy librarian character you've ever seen in the movies... except rachel weisz in the mummy, because you only wish you looked like her, nerdy or not!}."

tip:

if you ever want to go to a costume party and don't have money to spend on a fancy costume, just wash your hair, don't do a thing to it, throw it up in a messy bun {which is the mom-do i sport ehhhhverrry siiiiiingle day}, and borrow my glasses. you're set!

i think i may even have a few librarian-esque dress suits you could wear from my collection of vintage pieces.

it's safe to say that i gave up on trying to be artistic or aesthetic at this point. by now, this was all just an opportunity to poke fun at myself and my thinking that i could do something effective with this.

and when those thoughts came across in my facial expressions too, i clicked away... 'cause this, friends, is the real me. and i think this just might have been the best shot of them all!...

or maybe this one...

=)

hippy no more!!! {+ some thoughts about mamahood}

okay... please don't lecture me about that overgrown mop of hair. save your critique for my sub-par hair cutting skills which will be revealed below. first, though, take a look at how long isaac's hair had become...

clear down past his upper lashes!

so, here's the thing. we moved. and i honestly couldn't find our hair-cutting scissors for about the first month. and even after i had found them, i just didn't want to cut his hair. i was sort of liking it longer, to be frank. 

but when it started to cover his eyes and began to bother his lashes {i knew, 'cause he was always trying to rub that tickly sensation off his eyes}, i figured i should bust out those scissors.

apprehension got the better of me, though... a complete lack of confidence in my ability to, a) cut his hair in some fashionable form, and, b) keep that fashionable cut from looking like it was given while riding on a roller coaster. 

i ended up cutting it on his 20-month birthday. if you have kids older than this, remember back to when they were 20 months old. squirmy, right? now do you see my apprehension? i've cut my own bangs before. and i once cut mr. b's hair {when it used to be long}. but outside of that, i've got no real experience or practice. i had used a trimmer on him a while back. but that doesn't count.

let's just say, i should stick to pursuing photography.

i have to say this, though... as imperfect as it is, i love the way it turned out!

apparently, he did not!

joking, of course... that's not why he's crying. no, that little display of utter displeasure in the above photo was all about wanting out of his high chair after having sat there so patiently for so long. i started out with the last picture i took... a shot of the finished product {which has since been slightly tweaked}... so you could see what i'm talking about right off the bat... see just how {fill in the blank} this hair cut really is!

okay... be honest. but be gentle.

and don't forget. he's not even two. seriously... no matter what sort of do sits atop his sweet little skull, he's really precious to me. in fact, i think he melts my heart more than ever now. have you ever heard of the theory that states a hair cut can sort of alter one's personality for a time? i think it's true! and i think isaac somehow became even sweeter and more lovable than he was pre-trimming.

just look at the progression. sweeter by the photo!...

{don't worry... this is not a picture of the finished back... work in progress.}


{still workin' on it here. had yet to trim up the sides by this point.}

if nothing else, his new do has opened up his face and let those sweet round peepers be more of the star that they deserve to be. 'twould be a crime to keep hidden such eyes so blue!

since it was his 20-month birthday, i figured i would get in some milestone pics while chopping away all that hair... two birds with the same stone, if you will.

and the slight distraction of the camera couldn't but help to keep him from growing weary of sitting strapped in for so long as i firmly held his chin so as to avoid an eye/scissors collision or an accidental snipping of the ear. 

letting him comb his hair all by himself didn't hurt, either.

i felt like a real bonifide hair dresser as i undid the clamped towel on the back of his neck and brushed the lose hairs off his skin.

tah-dah!!!...

not bad for a first attempt, i'd say.

i still remember getting my hair cut at home throughout most of my childhood. i can recall how itchy that towel felt as short, fine hairs found their way around its protective barrier, slipping down between it and my skin. i can hear the crisp sound of hair slicing between cold, sharp blades... so dangerously near my ear... so scary, but somehow not scary at the same time, because i could simultaneously feel the soft, cool skin of my mothers hands on my neck, and i trusted her implicitly.

i can't help but wonder if he'll remember haircuts the same way thirty-nine years and nine months from now. i hope so. 

i hope he'll always know he, too, can trust me implicitly... in everything... even when the results come out slightly crooked {and they will}... the intent was {and always will be} one with his best interests at heart.

as for future haircuts, my hope is that after five or six more, i'll be an old pro.

what will you be...

...are you a girl {like i get the feeling you are} or a boy?

* * * * *

this is my very camera-shy mama-friend... 

i have no idea why she's so camera shy, 'cause she's freaking gorgeous and photogenic. {surely she believes that she is, too, and is just being modest... 'cause my camera loves her! and i know my camera well... it never lies!}

i most recently blogged about her being with child here... much earlier in the pregnancy, right after they had made it public knowledge. shortly before that, the six of us had gone to the beach together... to celebrate babies and summer's end. i've known her since before she was married. i watched her get engaged, then married {when i, myself, was about as pregnant as she is right now, which is why i don't have wedding photos}, and now have had the privilege to watch her become a mother as her belly grows more and more. 

it's so very exciting. and needless to say, i can't wait to get that little peanut into my arms to say hello for the first time. i still precisely remember the day when she and her husband visited isaac to do the very same.

anyway, isaac and i just spent a few hours with them yesterday, as sweet kellie is on maternity leave and her bobby had not yet gone to work. we giggled and chatted and ate gummy bears and talked baby-stuff. i got to see the nursery for the first time {so precious!} and they got to play with chase isaac and keep him from tearing their place apart, thereby getting much needed practice at the art of wrangling and reigning in a little one.

but most importantly, i was able to squeeze in an impromptu maternity shoot... and it's a good thing, 'cause she only has one month of pregnancy left... maybe less if they end up having to induce two weeks early.

as i said, she was a little hesitant. i remember that... not wanting my picture taken at that stage. i mean, i wanted pics to document my belly and that stage of pregnancy, but i so didn't feel like i had any business being in photos. however, i also remember having a friend gently encourage me to let her take them, even though i didn't feel up to it. i was glad kellie let me convince her, too. her dress was gorgeous, her face was glowing, and she was way beyond beautiful enough to take part in her own photo session. 

we simply set up an area for her to sit and stand in front of some windows that were allowing light to pour into her home. these shots are not technically perfect. but they caught the beauty of her smile and bump, and i'm okay with that. i so want her to be, too. i want her to appreciate having these photos some day... something to look back on to remember exactly how this amazing time was. i'm pretty sure if i had not gotten some pics of me eight months pregnant, i would have regretted it.

this was my biggest argument and plea in trying to convince her.

as you can see, she relented. and wouldn't you say it was the best decision on her part? isn't she beautiful?

it was to be a fun little mini-shoot. i liked the casual aspect of it... it always helps when you know your subject well. what you don't see here is all the laughs we had in between shots... and all the sarcastic snickers and banter back and forth, as only true friends could do without scarring the bind of friendship.

after a while, i could tell she was getting slightly exhausted from standing... oh, how i remember that too!

so i switched to photo-journalistic mode and stopped making her pose. i just let the camera roll as isaac climbed up onto the couch to hang out with his auntie and future pal/playmate.

these ended up being some of my favorite shots. they had a vintage quality about them... partly because of the dress she is wearing, partly because of the vintage couch she is sitting on, partly because of the old car isaac is playing with, and partly because of the way i processed them. but mostly because of kellie... she is a stylish, throw-back, young, hip, mama with an old soul. and i've always thought she had a very unique look that harkens back to former days... sometimes jacki-o-like, sometimes seventies fashion-model-esque. the latter in these photos, especially...

cute, no?

isaac also spent some time with "uncle" bobby. there's something about uncle bobby that isaac is so drawn to. he can get isaac to laugh so quickly, and isaac will follow him around like no other. i'm guessing he's good this way with all kids. but i like to think it's just isaac that he has this bond with. either way, it's a blast to watch them hang out.

so i'm glad i got a few pics of them doing just that...

after a few hours and many laughs, i knew i had to get my little guy packed up so we could drive out to see his grandma for valentine's day. but not without the mama-and-dada-to-be together for a few photos. like i said earlier, i am happy to look back and be able to remember my pregnancy through many photos that a couple of friends took of me.

but one thing i regret not getting more pictures of was mr. b. and me together during the pregnancy. he was usually at work when the light for taking pics was good enough. so i have very few of us both during that time. for these two, i wasn't able to get much more than that. but the few i did get, i like very much. they were some of my favorites of the day.

now that i think about it, it's not just for kellie and her soon-to-arrive baby that i'm happy to have taken these pictures. i've got selfish reasons, too!... i want photos of her in this time of her life. i will treasure these always. i think that's what you do... you treasure the photos... the memories... of the ones you treasure and love.

so, i'm sorry kellie... you're just going to have to grow accustom to this, 'cause i'm going to be following you around with a camera for a quite a while when that sweet little person gets here!... for you and me! so get used to me and this black contraption constantly strapped around my neck or perched in front of my eye. we are not going anywhere, my camera and me! ♥