heart-broken

originally written two days ago {last saturday morning}

i'm not quite sure what to write in this post. i debated whether or not to even post it at all. last night, right in the midst of looking through all the photos that i took of my sister's chihuahua and her newborn puppy {figuring out which ones to use for my post}, i got a phone call from my sister. she was crying, and she told me she thought maybe the puppy was dying {as she seemed cold and weak and skinny}.

we figured out that she was not eating from her mama, but we were not sure why. i looked some stuff up online while she went in search of an eyedropper to feed the pup.

i was concerned, but when she later wrote and said the pup was accepting formula from the eye dropper, we thought maybe she would be okay.

this morning, after texting her and asking how the pup was, my sister texted me back and said she thought she might be doing better. however, she later texted and asked me to pray that the puppy would make it... in fact, she said {knowing i would be publishing an already-written blog post about my experience of watching the puppy be born early in the morning last monday}, "can you ask your readers to pray that the puppy will make it in your post?" i said, of course, that i would.

when i returned to my computer to finish up working on the photos and add them to the post, my sister texted and informed me that the puppy had died.

i was heart-broken to say the least. heart-broken for my sister. heart-broken for bambi {the mama}. and heart-broken for myself. if you had read a few posts back, you may remember that i mentioned that the first of the two puppies was a still-born. bambi could not even get that puppy fully out, as it was breech. so we had to take mama and babies to the emergency vet in the middle of the night last sunday {actually, early monday morning}. as we waited, we sat together and cried over the loss of the first pup. and we also laughed at the sight of ourselves in our striped pajama bottoms and baseball caps in the middle of the night on one of the coldest nights of winter. they removed the puppy that did not make it, and a couple hours later, we took bambi back home with a "go-ahead" from the animal doc to let her have the remaining puppies. 

there was to be only one more pup, and my sister and i watched her be born... right there on the warm bathroom floor. it was such an amazing experience... especially for me as a pregnant woman right now. i've never seen a birth of any kind in person... only filmed. and after having bonded so much with the pregnant mama the night before and knowing her first did not make it, it made seeing this little puppy birthed all the more incredible.

my sister and i cried as we watched the birth... out of joy and awe and relief that the second one made it. we were sleep deprived and had had a very emotional night ourselves the night before. {lots of talking and mending and getting some things out in the open with our own relationship}. so to go through this together from about four in the morning to about ten o'clock that monday was an experience i will never forget... very, very bonding.

and that was what my original post was to be about... that, and how i had also bonded with bambi the night before {might sound weird, but there was this strange sense of bonding with her even though she is a dog... because we were both pregnant at the time. she never left my side that entire evening. she sat on my sternum most of the time, while i used my thumbs to lightly rub her swelled belly. and when she went into labor, it was without my knowledge, right next to me in the guest bed where i slept.}

my sister had to go to work {on little sleep} a little while after the second one was born, so i remained to take care of bambi and her pup {also on little sleep... i ended up falling asleep on the bathroom floor at one point}.

but during the time i managed to stay awake, i took so many sweet photos of the two of them. i couldn't wait to post them and write about them.

now, i can not bring myself to do it... even though i guess i just sort of did above, but not in the same way {at all} that i had originally intended to. first my plans changed from writing about it with joy to writing about it with concern. then, as of this morning, they changed from writing about it with concern for the puppy, to writing about it with sadness.

instead of asking for prayers for the puppy, now i would ask that you keep my sister in your prayers. she was not going to be keeping the puppy... she had a family lined up that she was going to give it to. but still, the puppy would have remained with her for about eight weeks before going to the new owners. and i know she was in love with this little creature... the same way i was when i took care of them for a day... even more so, because she had been with them all week.

perhaps i will still fully write about the experience some day. but it just seems weird to now. i'm so sad that something that was such an incredible event for me ended up having such a sad ending.

the one good thing in it all is that sweet bambi is okay. after her first puppy started to come out, and we could not ourselves fully remove it, we were greatly concerned for bambi's life, too {which is why we immediately took her to the vet}. so i am glad that she is okay. i don't know how much a dog comprehends when she loses a pup or two. i would think she has to sense or feel at least some sort of void. even if she can't quite feel the same emotions we do as humans, she has to know something is wrong. and that makes me so sad... especially as a mama-to-be.

in fact, it's because i am pregnant that this all seemed so significant to me, i think. so i'm sad for my sister and i hurt for her. i'm sad for me, too. and of course, i feel so bad for sweet little bambi who went through so much to have these two pups.

i wish i had a happier outcome for this post. i hope it's not too sad to read. {and i hope it does not seem morbid to post photos of the puppy. they tell the story of what i witnessed that day.} i wanted to write for a couple of reasons... so i would always remember it and so that i could ask others to pray for my sis.

{i spoke to my sister again last night about all this... she is still so very broken up about it, so i decided i would post today after all. even though they are somewhat of a source of pain, i still kept and processed all the photos from that day... for me as part of my portfolio of photography, but mostly for my sister and me as a memory and a record of that unforgettable day.}