living a life

i was so glad to come across this mary oliver quote on kim klassen's blog today... 

"instructions for living a life...

pay attention. be astonished. tell about it."

it couldn't more perfectly wrap up in just a few words why i take pictures of the things i witness and see... and why i blog about them {or have any kind of public, online presence}... why i love to share about the things i find joy in... what i've been given, what surrounds me, my past, my present, good or bad, whether bestowed on me or forced on me or the results of my own choices. i choose to pay attention to it all. be astonished. and tell about it. it's not meant to be for everyone to see. just for anyone who wants to. some don't care. some won't care. but they are not the reason i do this thing.

some will not live this way... attentive, amazed and able to share. others will try, but eventually end up spending their time paying attention to what others are paying attention to instead of their own gifts, surroundings, past, present, good, bad, causes and effects with astonishment or ability/willingness to tell about it. some will assign motives to the ones who are living out this small instruction without knowing their hearts or bothering to ask what lies beneath what is seen... going judgmentally forward on only what they have been told by others who have done the same. some will go as far as to seek to crush the spirits of others who are choosing to live a life.

i've let publicly judgmental words of others bother me at times... let them quiet me for a time... let them attempt to halt my attention and astonishment or even silence my telling.

but i always come back to living a life... this life i've been given. a life that has limits, but one that has so much possibility. one that allows me to look beyond all limits because i can pay attention, be astonished and tell. but more importantly, i choose to.

my world and circle of outreach will change some day {which i have many more thoughts on for a different post in the near future.} it will look different from what it is today, just as today looks so much different from what it was five years ago when i started to capture my world through a lens and tell my experiences through words. but right now it looks like this... like these. a home which i rarely leave in winter for lack of transportation to do so, per a choice that we've made and stand by. a boy {no longer a baby in the eyes of any who are close enough to him to have seen that change} who never leaves my side. {yep... that means a lot of pictures of and stories about him.} a man who leaves our side forty hours a week... in body, but never in spirit. trees. snow. days. weeks. weekends. boxes. furniture. smiles. tears. tea. chocolate. toys. silly hats and mispronounced words. glass windows to the outside world. an office with another window, of sorts, to the outside world through the wonders of technology... my source for connection and contact with other people and things not inside these walls. occasional visits to our windows and doors from cardinals, family and friends. occasional trips away to accept the invitations of family and friends. unseen hope and anticipation for warmer days and walks through the community... for newly formed friendships with neighbors. projects galore. lists... things to do, churches to look into, appointments to be made, stuff to buy. budgets that are ours and God's alone to judge. piles that are ours alone to sort. books that are ours alone to give away. decisions and motives that are ours and God's alone to judge. hearts that are ours and God's alone to know.

i don't apologize for what i see, photograph or talk about... what i celebrate through image and written word... for it's all i know right now. i could spend my time complaining that we can't see the world, have more money, have more children or have had children earlier, have more resources to have a more outward life, have better health... and so much more. i might complain that others can, or criticize their celebration of those things. but i sincerely don't mind that they are able to, nor do i mind that they celebrate. i smile when they do. just as they would want me to smile when they've done and celebrated something i've been able to do... or even the things i can't. and i would miss out on what there is to pay attention to in my life if i did spend my time that way... complaining... writing the rule book about what you can or can not celebrate and how much you are allowed to before you deserve ridicule.

in my opinion, for every ounce of time spent negatively focused on what others are saying or doing {such as things we are not able or willing to say and do ourselves}, we have equally missed out on what there is to notice and celebrate in our own lives. if i focus so much on others and what seems wrong with how they embrace life, i'll fail to see what is right and embraceable in my world. if i pay so much attention to what is going right in the lives of others, i'll miss out on learning from or fixing the things that are wrong in mine.

i don't just want to stay alive. i want to live a life.

so i'm quieting the subtle, hurtful winks, whispers and hints that suggest i should be silent. and i'm ignoring the public casts of judgement as to what my motives are. i don't try to live others' lives, because those lives are theirs to live.

i keep on living a life... in the details... with astonishment. my own.

mine is the one i've been given and the only one i'll ever have. i vow not to miss it.

a few randomosities {thoughts and link love}, but hopefully i can tie them all together in the end

randomosities... i thought maybe i made that word up in a stroke of "genius". but i looked it up. it's been used before, even if it's not a real word. oh, well. speaking of looking up words, i looked up a word a little while ago to see what it meant. it's a word i had heard before... often enough to recognize it. but i never really knew what it meant. and i must not have been curious enough to know either, because it wasn't until today that i made the effort... this time, i was curious! i'll get to all that in a little bit, though.

so, last week when i created the above superimposed image, i wanted to post it {and others like it} and title my post "doubly good"... or something like that. but, i never got around to posting or writing. so the images sat on my computer desktop and my thoughts sat on a shelf in my head.

i had created my image after discovering the images of a photographer whose work sort of stopped me in my tracks. her name is misha ashton. {even her name is cool, no?} i think i discovered her by clicking on a link in a fab.com e-mail or something like that... a daily e-mail that showcases different artists' products and work for sale.

well, upon clicking over to her site, i instantly knew i would love what i saw if i browsed around. and i was right! i am very drawn to the look of her images. and i completely love the "double exposure" work she creates. i'm not sure if she is doing true double exposures with her camera or if it is just a superimposing of two photos with editing software the way i did. but either way, i love the results!

anyway, i've wanted to experiment with combining different photos that i took for a while now. but i never got around to it until i was uber inspired by ashton's photography. {oh, by the way... she also sells the COOLEST one-of-a-kind photography belt buckles. i REALLY want one!}

it's sort of funny how i started the experimentation process out. i simply worked with the photos that i happened to have open in photoshop at the time, rather than going out and looking for two photos that i thought might work well together. {sort of like how professional fashion designer wanna-be creatives are assigned to work with only the clothes they are wearing at the time of the assignment to create a fashion piece/statement on the show project runway.}

i had open, already, this recent photo of my "good morning" coffee mug, as well as the bird photo you see on the left. {i also had several other photos from that winter bird photo shoot open... all taken years back. they were recently found on a c.d. i had in a box of discs, while looking for something else. more of those to come at another time.}

here is another crack at it, combining those two shots...

this "random" process of pairing two images was very similar to how i came up with this image and this image... actually, the first was more of a happy accident than anything. i had both images open in photoshop, and because the branch shot was larger, it could be seen behind the "window" of the trees shot, and i really liked how they looked layered together... so i combined them just as i saw them there on my monitor. it was like it was meant to be.

so now it's official... i've started {hopefully habitually} playing with photo combinations. and i don't think i'll ever stop! whenever i post any here, i'll label them "doubly good".

okay... now to the part that is the reason for my learning the definition of a word today. how can one be forty years old and just learning what a word means for the first time, even though they've heard it before? in my case, probably because i'm not a big reader, and i'm not really a proficient writer, either...

and what a nice segue that makes into this... you see, the other dose of inspiration i have lately received {today, actually} also came in the form of a link in an e-mail. it was an e-mail from typepad featuring a couple of their notable bloggers {sort of the way blogger has blogs of note}.

well, i don't really follow any blogs that are not photography blogs of some sort. the ones i do follow are either strictly for photography or a blend of photography and writing. but i don't consistently visit any that are solely writing... although that may change as of today. i was intrigued when i read in the e-mail about the blog called keitharsis. this blurb about him and his blog was what hooked me...

"keith jennings is an essayist whose beautifully, compelling blog is designed to be a sanctuary for creative writers, featuring missives that encourage his readers to treat our lives and work as portfolios, rather than paths. it's about thinking creatively and staying rooted in what really matters."

so i popped on over. and i really liked what i read!... the most recent post, especially. not only do i quite agree with what he wrote, but i found it very inspiring to myself as both an artist and as a tends-to-be-emotional person who is often affected by tension. his thoughts made me consider embracing tension, rather than avoiding it. and that would have a big impact on my blog, my photography habits and anything else i do that is creative.

i was SO happy to find his blog, because i've been lately considering taking a writing class. he is a writer who seems to want to inspire writing in others. i think i'll be one of his new readers! oh, and i almost forgot!... the word i learned {because he used it in his most recent post}. it's cathartic {purification or purgation of the emotions primarily through art}. i think i am sometimes cathartic! or at least, i hope i am, because i like to think i am artistic {even if not a great artist}, and i know i am emotional... so i hope i am also able to superimpose the two. {hey, do you like how i just brought it all back to the beginning of this post? *wink*}

okay, last but not least, one more link-love link. i promised i would link to a new blogger and photographer who i recently discovered through texture tuesday. her name is mona, and after she saw my first texture tuesday contribution, she e-mailed me and told me that i inspired her to take several photos of her own books and asked if i'd give her permission to link to my blog in her post, as well as mention me as her inspiration. i said, "of course!" and that i would love to return the gesture of a mention. so please go visit her lovely blog and beautiful photography. you'll be glad you did.

isn't it great how artists inspire artists? someone's photo inspired me to take one like it. then i, in turn, inspired another photographer. and a different photographer inspired me to take a leap and try something i had always wanted to dabble in. and finally, another artist of a completely different kind inspired me to be more free with my creativity, by freeing myself from the notion that tension is a bad thing.

i am reminded of one of my most loved song lyrics of all time... "tension is to be loved, when it is like a passing note to a beautiful, beautiful chord." {i wrote a bit about it a while back in this post.}

hoping your day {and art} is full of harmony and inspiration. thanks for reading!

ghostly

 

if you know me well, you know i am not a very big fan of halloween. don't get me wrong... i used to live for october 31st when i was a little squirt. i couldn't wait to get my hands on bucket-loads of free candy... enough to last me through the next spring! {i can't believe i still have all my teeth.} and i'm not even opposed {for the most part} to dressing up for costume parties {although i don't think i have been to one of those since high school}.

but if i had to give up a holiday or two, halloween would definitely be at the top of my list. i just can't see celebrating things that are dark or creepy or scary or even downright sinister {which is what it seems like a lot of the grown-up halloween festivities have come to be about}. i don't think we are supposed to think about such things. so i'm just not a fan.

that said, every once in a while, i happen to take photos that turn out very ethereal or ghost-like... and those, i am a fan of. most of the time, they are just "oops" photos {like the one above, which was taken at a summer barbeque... i was trying to take a photo of two of mr. b's friends, and the camera did not focus. i love how they look... almost extraterrestrial-esque}. i've been wanting to use this photo somehow in a post for a while. i figured today is as good of a day as any.

then there are the images that i purposefully try to give an ethereal vibe to... like this one:

remember this from last february when i was pregnant?... a self-portrait i took on one of the only days i dressed up throughout the entire pregnancy... after i got home from a wedding. because the camera was on a timer, i thought i'd play around with movement and intended to take a photo that showed that movement. but i had no idea it would look so ghost-like, too.

here is another oops photo i took of my sister a few years ago. this time, instead of the subject moving, it was the camera/photographer that moved. i loved the resulting effect!

these are all so different from each other, but all have an almost eery feel. so, as i said, though i am not really celebrating or acknowledging today's holiday {except for putting isaac in an adorable little bee outfit... i'll try to post some pics of him in it later this week}, i figured today was as good a day as any to post these photos... if not better.

anyway, i guess this isn't really an update... there's just not much new "stuff" to update on. but i thought i'd pop in anyway. i hope you have a great day, holiday or not. may it be filled with lots of treats, and no tricks.

ghost of a chance with no place to go {or week twenty-three}

have you ever been to a wedding
where you saw the bride for 30 seconds... and 30 seconds only?


remember i said i had a baby shower and a wedding to attend today?
yes, that's right... both in one day.
any normal person would have realized this is pretty near impossible...
to attend both, when each starts within one hour of each other,
and each is about an hour and a half from one another.


but in case you haven't noticed, i'm not always quite normal.
and rather unwisely, i chose to attempt to attend both.


and the one that started first {which i attended first}
was an hour and a half from where i live.
that started at one o'clock... one of my sweetest and dearest friend's baby shower.
{she's due in a month!}


well... since the wedding started at two o'clock,
i knew full well i would not make it to the ceremony.
but i still thought i could make it to the reception,
which was to last from three o'clock until four-thirty.


but i did not get to leave the shower until about two-thirty.
and since i had to stop and get gas on the way home,
making it to the church in time to see the bride {another sweet friend}
was just about impossible to do.
and let me just say, pregnant people have no right
driving sixty-five miles per hour down country roads
just to make it to a wedding reception.


the more i feverishly drove,
the more i figured i did not stand a ghost of chance to make it.
but then with b's help navigating me through country back roads on the phone,
i realized i just might make it to see the bride
before she and her new hubby had to bolt for the more private family reception.


at about fourteen minutes after four,
just as i was about to pull into the church parking lot,
i had this strange and sinking feeling that i was going to pull in
and see the bride and groom running through the receiving line outside the church doors
with rice flying everywhere or bubbles floating throughout the air.


and i was not even as lucky as all that.
literally, as i was pulling in to wind around toward a parking spot,
my car pulled right smack dab in front of my friend's car.
she was in the passenger seat.
her hubby was driving.
we gave each other a look {looks that spoke volumes},
both stopped our cars right where we were,
and each got out to say hello and get a hug in before she had to rush off.


though i was so terribly disappointed,
i was so happy i got to see the beautiful bride in her dress...
oh, she was like an angel.
and the professional wedding photographer happened to be only steps away.
so she got it all on camera... the cars, the screeching halt, the hugs, the words exchanged.
then we got to turn and pose for a shot looking at the camera.
i can't wait to get a copy of that!
what a memory it will hold!


oh, my goodness, i will never forget this day!
it was so unfortunate,
and i could just kick myself for trying to fit both in.
it would have been far better to choose one or the other and attend only that event.
then i could have fully enjoyed one,
rather than only partially enjoying two... and just barely the second.


i literally got back in my car immediately and headed for home.
i called b. crying... "i can't even believe this!"
i truly was sad...
sad that i could not spend more time with the glowing bride.
and i would have seen a lot of people i had not seen in years, too.
and i would have gotten a chance to get to know her hubby a little more,
as i have only met him twice before today.


disappointed does not even begin to express how i felt.
after all that driving and rushing...
i felt sooooo deflated.


and here i was... all decked out with no place to go!
i mean, i guess my dress and up-do was for the shower, too.
but i was definitely over-dressed for that occasion.
everyone there knew why i was looking so fancy for a shower,
so it was not very strange to be the only one all dressed up.
but i still felt like it was all for nothing.
and what's worse, i had to leave the shower early...
and that WAS all for nought!


ughhh...
another note to self:
DON'T ever try to do two events in one day
when they are more than an hour apart in driving distance
and less than a few hours apart in start time...
especially not while pregnant
and hormonal
and on the brink of running out of gas
and constantly needing to pee
and on little sleep.


don't EVER do this again!


but DO spend time with cherished friends.
and that, i DID do.
so that made it all worth it.


{*sigh*}


at least i can say, the shower was so very lovely.
there were FOUR... count 'em... four pregnant women there.
it was crazy that almost half of the women there were with child!
and it was such a blessing to share this time with my sweet friend.
{i call her "ese"}.

we got a photo together of our bellies,
and i can honestly say,
i never ever dreamed that this would be a photo we could take...
both of us pregnant at the same time.
this is her third kiddo,
so it's not unfathomable to think of her pregnant.
but it's unfathomable to think of me that way,
so getting this photo with her is even more beyond my wildest dream.


in fact, getting that photo was one of the deciding factors
in my decision to go to that shower for sure.
i knew {since she will be having her little squirt in a month or less}
that i might never have the chance for that photo again.


so i went.
and i am so very glad i did.


well, i have to say,
though it was a long day that ended on a disappointing note,
i called my friend dierdre on my fifteen minute drive home
from the church where the wedding was.
i had to tell her how bummed i was,
as i had seen her this morning over coffee and hot cocoa
and told her all about my plans for the day.


i joked about meeting up with her again tonight,
since i was all dressed up and hated to waste a cute dress
and the time it took me to do my hair
{which i rarely ever do}
and make-up
{which i rarely ever wear}.


she offered to meet me at a restaurant a block from my house...
a nice restaurant with a great little front bar area.
she bought me a little glass of wine
{don't freak out... it's the only one this entire pregnancy}
and a delicious spinach/artichoke dip appetizer.


we had such a nice time chatting... one of those unexpected, unplanned visits
that life sometimes throws our way.
it really did make up for an anti-climactic ending to what started out a beautiful day.


then i came home and listened to herb alpert with b.
among many other great musicians.
we had a tasty pizza with greek fixin's
and then we listened to more music.
and we had some good talks thrown in there, too.


all in all, it was still a very good day.
and since tomorrow is my twenty-three mark in this pregnancy,
i decided to take more self-portraits.
why not?
i'm all dressed up anyway!


to go with my "ghost of a chance" theme,
i put the three more ghostly {oops} shots first.
below are the rest.
{the last one was taken by b., though.}


twenty-three down.
seventeen to go.