time travel

everything in our lives seems to be in limbo right now. and if not in limbo, then dissolved. if not either of those, then uncertain. it's not a great place to be. but it's not the worst, either.

still camera-less, i find myself frustrated that i cannot just grab my camera at any time and get pictures of isaac. or of mr. b helping me paint the giant wall of paneling in the living room. or of the emerging buds on the trees just outside our living room window.

so instead, i dig around in archived folders for gems that i'd forgotten about. photos i honestly didn't even realize i had.

i don't spend much time on the computer these days. funny how that camera was the link between me and my computer. without it, i have less reason to get on here. maybe that's not quite true. maybe it's just less incentive. like i said a few posts back, i speak in pictures... and listen too. getting on the computer is just a painful reminder that i don't have use of my camera, so i've stayed away from it.

this is a blessing when i look at it the right way. i've accomplished things around the house that i had been putting off pre-death-of-a-camera.

oh, that camera... that little hunk of plastic that has me wrapped around it's little shutter. i found out it could cost up to $300 or more to fix my camera. {and also found out it is, in fact, the body, and not the lens.} the shutter actuations count just over 84,000. not really a big surprise, knowing how many photos i take... just of isaac alone. the camera shop i spoke with said nikon estimates an average of 50,000 actuations for the d40 before it goes bad, so i guess i got lucky to get as far as i did.

i just can't find the sense in pouring money into a camera that has reached its life expectancy only to have it break down again, you know? but also can't see buying another entry-level dslr like the one i have, as i planned to eventually upgrade from the current camera i have to something better in hopes of getting more serious about my photography business.

and that brings me to my feeling stuck conundrum. i don't have the money to upgrade. well, don't really even have the money to repair... we would likely have to charge it. but for an upgrade? yikes. we really don't want to be incurring debt when we have recently worked so hard to pay it off. and even if i find a good deal on one, it wouldn't feel like a good deal by the time we were done paying interest on the camera because it was purchased on a card.

sigh. what to do.

meanwhile, i sit here in frustation, longing to pick up my camera to snap something i see {which is often with this little character we live with}.

to mask my frustration, i pretend that my camera still works, but i set it down intentionally out of discipline to work on things that have been shoved aside for so long.

one of those shoved-off-the-to-do-list items i am currently working on?... FINALLY going through my 2009 florida photos to make an album. yes... you heard me right... 2009. it seems silly 'cause we have taken a trips to florida since then {in 2010 and 2012} on which i took better pics with a better camera... so why should i bother with such an old set?

well, it sort of bothered me that i never got around to sorting and processing them all. actually, i had processed several shortly after we got home from the trip for the first of what was to be many posts in a series. but i didn't finish. we went to florida again the following year. i got pregnant just months later. had a baby. went to florida again. lost interest in silly 2009 photos. yada yada yada. {oh, and lest any of you reading think "well, how can you reconcile mentioning financial struggles while writing about vacationing to florida in the same post?"... these are trips to florida courtesy of my generous parents-in-law who graciously open their small condo to us.}

anyway, lately i've been spending a bit of time in the folders... and so glad i am. i have found some images in there that i like quite a bit! knowing i took them with an old {non-dslr} point-n-shoot canon sort of restored my faith in myself as a photographer. they aren't fancy photos. but there are some good ones in there, which reminded me that it's not nice cameras that makes a photographer good. it's the photographer. and the eye the photographer has. my husband and i were talking about this a bit the other day. i've been told i have an eye when people come to know my photography. and i feel like i do, too {or hope so, anyway}. i just need to become trained in some skills and knowing my camera the best i can so as to meet that eye... and hopefully then i'll be creating exactly what i'd be beyond happy to create.

gosh... did not intend to ramble today. just getting somethings off my chest, i guess. anyway, i'm looking forward to creating some posts {or albums} of my 2009 florida photos. though we traveled there again the next year and three years later {which is the trip the above photos are from}, it was not the same dynamic... not even the same people. i'm traveling back in time to fill up this almost void-of-time stretch of not having a camera i'm going through now... laid back florida style. will be posting some other things from the archives, too.

but i'm not sure it'll be too soon. other things have risen... namely, us three are hangin' out enjoying one of the few things we feel is constant, consistent and certain right now... each other.

we're dancing in a circle of three in the middle of our kitchen to the bee jees' hit, stayin' alive, while we wait for dinner to finish. and making trips to the library to find brand new adventures in books we've never even heard of. and painting rooms while we play with our cars and watch every dvd about trains we can get our hands on. okay... those last two are isaac, and that first... well, that's just mr. b and me. although, we do give isaac a "fake" paint brush to help us with from time to time. but the point is, we're all together. inseparable. i love that word.

since we are all enjoying each other so much these days {maybe because i'm a little more present without a camera??... no comments from the peanut gallery, mr. b!}, i thought i'd use these photos of us for my post. 

for that, and for the fact that we are all three dreaming of getting down to the sunshine state together at some point!! hopefully soon!

cheek water

these are some old photos... i think about a year old. one of the benefits of having a non-working camera is that, instead of spending time taking and editing new photos, you can use that time to go back into ancient folders that were long forgotten and look for old gems to post. better late than never.

i barely edited these shots... because, honestly, i didn't really want to change the mood. i thought they were perfect, just as they are. i mean, i realize they aren't perfect... not like the perfection that some photographers put out there because they wouldn't dare share their imperfect work. first of all, if i'm gonna be real, i have to admit i'm sort of tired of "perfect" photography {if that's something that actually exists}. but secondly, i enjoy looking at in-the-moment photos much more than i do the perfectly staged ones. i guess created moments in staged photos have their place. but i just get bored with looking at them after a while. not only that, but i think trying to create them is exhausting, as well. so my personal goal as a photographer {when i have working equipment again} is to never slip into a trap of feeling like i have to create a moment. i only want to find moments... and then, click away.

the moment captured above was one of my favorites. isaac had just learned how to climb onto our very tall bed. he loved {and was fascinated by} cell phones at the time. i had been in the bedroom taking pictures of the recent makeover i gave it {in our old house}. mr. b was chillin' on the bed, enjoying a rare moment of uncharacteristic neatness in that room... one in which the bed was actually made for a change.

when i saw how much fun they were having, i had to turn my attention toward them. makeover photos could wait. i've seen a lot of dads who are such good buds with their kids... especially with sons. but i don't know if i've ever seen a father-and-son buddy-ship quite like the one my husband and son have. likely, this is only because i'm close enough to them to see their relationship on a level that i wouldn't be able to closely witness in other families. so i'm fairly certain that there are many similar bonds elsewhere. but i still like to think that they are among the closest of father-son duos i've ever known.

last night, isaac and i had to say goodbye to the mister, as we drove him to the train station where he would board a chicago-bound train to meet his brother so they could leave on an early flight this morning. their mom is at home in florida, recovering from open-heart surgery, so they both took a couple days off and hopped a plane to see her.

we sat at the kitchen table over dinner last night, and the downer mood that had been building up in me all day {at the thought of his looming departure} finally morphed into tears that first welled up in my eyes and eventually leaked out down my face. what got me was when isaac went to sit in his dad's lap after he finished eating. i was glad he did so, because that's something he rarely does while we're still all at the table. being that we had to leave for the station right from dinner, it gladdened me to see them spend some quality time together before mr. b had to leave.

it made me happy and sad, all at the same time. as we sat there enjoying our last few minutes at home together, i caught isaac's attention when he noticed the tears trickling down my face.

he quizically looked at me for a bit and then finally spoke with a soft voice, describing {in the only way he knew how} what he saw.

"cheek...water," he said as he pointed at my tears.

oh, how precious. sweet that he noticed. sweet that he said it that way. sweet that it made me smile.

i'll never call tears tears again. from here on out, they've been dubbed cheek water. {isaac coined it. i dubbed it.} it's adorable. how could i go back to plain old tears ever again? cheek water sounds like the name of the chief's daughter in some native american tribe, doesn't it?

though it was not his intention, it brought the biggest smile to my face, and i soon forgot how much i was going to miss mr. b or how much i knew our little man was going to miss him, too.

i've been quite weepy lately. lots of things going on... lots of disappointments and such, as well as other contributing factors. the weepiness is sort of uncharacteristic of my lately-usual self. {i used to be quite a crier back before i had isaac. but since he's been in my life, i cry so much less... perhaps because isaac is depleting the cheek-water vat for us all, and there's not much left to go around?? but there seems to be plenty for me lately.}

anyway, i was having a tough time with mr. b leaving... more than i thought i would. the small amount of difficulty i had with it gave me a glimpse into what it's like for military wives who are separated from their husbands for such long periods of time. gosh, i feel for them. if a mere three days could have that much of an effect on me, i can't imagine how they get through those months on end of having their spouses gone. i'm guessing that does not make me good military wife material. i'd be a mess!

well... all that to say, at the end of the day, i'm very glad my husband went to see his mom. we wish we could have joined them, too. but at least he was able to go... thanks to his generous brother who bought his plane ticket. when his brother approached him with the offer, i strongly encouraged him to go, even though i know how torn he was. he really wants to be near his mom at this time, but i could see it was kind of getting to him to have to leave us, too. 

after we dropped him off at the train, isaac cried out for a good while and said through his tears cheek water, "dada, come back." {it broke my heart.} but almost immediately after that, he said, "choo-choo train, come back." that was when i knew he was gonna be okay. and then we were off to treat ourselves to frozen yogurt, because we both deserved it. at least that's what we told each other, and we're stickin' to it!

the good news is, in just a day and a half, mr. b will be back, and we'll hardly remember he was ever gone.

some other never-before-seen photos i unearthed these past couple days are these next few... taken during a summer visit from mr. b's parents last year. since we're missing them so much and are sending wishes of a speedy recovery my mother-in-law's way, i thought i'd include them today. i don't think it's difficult to see just how much isaac loves his grandma, nor how much she loves him right back.

get well from us all, sweet "abby"... whether we're here or there to say so.

love,
isaac, mr. b and me

why i feel like throwing in the towel

so, i sit here and write through my tears. tears of feeling deflated and defeated. not tears for anything that matters in the big scheme, of course. they're not over something that is life-altering or world-changing.

but they are a result of something that cuts to the heart of me. as i write, i realize i might be speaking prematurely, because i'm not even sure what is wrong at this point.

all i know right know is that, as of tonight, my camera doesn't work. my little contraption that is so very big to me. that thing i use to speak with {because i speak in pictures} and sometimes listen with, too.

my heart feels crushed.

i know that is so silly. find any number of blogs on the internet that write about injustices or hunger and poverty in various places all over the world... even right here in my own country. or watch the news and see stories of people dying in other countries because they are there doing work they believe in and somehow got in harm's way... like the story of the young diplomat from my neck of the woods who was killed in afghanistan recently and whose funeral was held today. or stories of moms who will lose their infant to a terminal disease. those are things that matter and should bring tears to ones eyes. not my silly camera busting.

but i still sit here crying. because i have a gig for a photo shoot at the beginning of may... something i was so excited for and haven't even mentioned on this blog yet, for fear that talking about it would make it fall through or burst into thin air as easily as one of isaac's bath bubbles does at the lightest touch of his tiny finger.

and because this is all wrapped in what i so badly want to do with my life... at every level. creatively. personally. professionally. communally.

'sploring 'n' stuff

a very dear friend once gave me some wise advice when i asked if she had some words of wisdom for me going into motherhood while pregnant with isaac... even though she is not a mother herself, i knew she'd have something sage to say.

it was sage, because she knew what was applicable to say to me.

her advice was simple. i'll paraphrase, as i don't remember the exact words she used. something like "don't raise isaac to believe that he can't explore the world, just because you guys don't have the money to travel." actually, her original wording was a bit more vague, but upon expounding in an effort to make me better understand, that was what i got out of what was said... in so many words or less.

in other words, she encouraged me not to let on to isaac that we don't have much money, or that that is why we aren't able to travel a lot with him... on vacations and such.

it applies to us, quite simply, because we will never be that family that goes on a vacation every year.  certainly not one that "sees the world". and that is not a complaint. not going on vacation doesn't feel like being jipped by life at all. {though we think it would be nice to be able to travel and get away, we feel blessed with far more than we ever thought we'd have.} it's just how it is. at least right now.

i'll never forget her advice, and i easily took it to heart.

it wasn't difficult, because i'm one of those people that loves to travel, but doesn't need it to be filled up {though i have no problem whatsoever with people who do need it to fill up, because that's just their thing... like taking pictures or listening to music is mine}.

i don't think she was advising me to be that way so much. if she knows me as well as i think she does, then she knows i am already content... not feeling an ache or need to travel in order to feel fulfilled. she knows i am already the sort of person that can find wonder and beauty right where i am if i'm really trying to see it.

i think her advice was more about telling me to make sure i pass this outlook i have on to isaac, and protecting him from a mindset that says "we're too poor to travel". so i did today with him what i'd do with myself on such a lovely {finally} warm spring day. i took him out in the yard and made him encouraged him to feel that we were on a grand exploration. not that almost-two-year-olds need a lot of help in that department... especially boys who like dirt and rocks and twigs and such. especially little boys who have changed so very much in the short three months that they have lived in a new house... and who've been cooped up inside all winter. everything is new and exciting by the nature of their spongey, developing minds.

so we 'splored {as mr. b calls it} out in the back yard. and the side. and the front. and we played with a blue ball. and we climbed through the overgrown bushes that i have started to trim back. and we asked questions like "what's this?" and answered with responses like "it's a twig."

and we sat in the light. the longed-for light and warmth that we knew would tag along with it.

we ran. chased.

we trampled over beds of brown pine needles, underneath the still dangling green.

we got covered head-to-toe in burrs.

i don't just mean exploring for isaac... though for him, it was much more of an adventure. {i imagine the yard seems ten times bigger to him than it does to us, simply because i remember how much larger places seemed to me at a young age than they seemed when i returned years later. our small yard must have felt like a sprawling ten-acre farm to him.}

no, this wasn't just for the little guy's pleasure. us grown-ups, we explored too. {moving in january does not afford many nice days to check out the property, remember... so this was a first for us, too.}

my favorite find? the prettiest soft- and long-needled evergreen. i knew it was there since the day we came to see the house with our realtor. but i had never explored it until today.

two big kids went out there to play with one little one. but we had another goal besides just playing in mind... to start fixing up the yard in any cost-free ways we can until we can have money to do the big stuff. {like adding an enclosing fence, new trees for privacy, deck furniture, landscaping plans, etc.}.

walking around with hopes of beautifying our property brought a quote i love to mind... one that i often think about.

instead of wondering where your next vacation is, maybe you need to set up a life you don't need to escape from. ~seth godin

i think the biggest reason i've never made traveling a huge priority is because i've never really felt a need to escape my world. it might be "aiming low" to others. but to me, i've just never really had the itch to get away. i've always really liked where i am... not just where i am on the map, but in life too. often, i find i don't have enough time or resources to enjoy my immediate surroundings as it is, without the added pressure of trying to enjoy other places too.

so i felt today like we did just what i was advised to by my friend that day. i wonder how many times we, as busy... way too busy... people, actually go out and discover our immediate surroundings. the things we pass every day without notice. my backyard will never strike in another person or myself the awe that the grand canyon can. but it's also a place like no other on earth. it's our little slice of the pie, and it's ours to do with what we want. that alone is sort of awe-inspiring. whether it's our little rented apartments that we can make into our own, or our 500-acre farms. everywhere is a place to be known. starting in our own backyard, i hope to help isaac realize that every bit of ground he treads holds treasure and mystery and something to be discovered, admired, manicured or protected.

the earth is the LORD's and the fullness thereof, the world and those who dwell therein. ~psalm 24:1

i'm not even sure if i captured every thought i had for this post. it's late and i'm tired.

but the one thing i wanted to make sure to include and share was this... the pure delight i had in watching my son today... seeing the excitement that burst out of him as he trekked around this new world that opened up when spring did.

it's the reason i included that first photo {why i took it in the first place} and typed "brought to you by the letter T next to it.

you see, that there T made out of two pieces of wood is something that sticks out of the ground at the far end of our deck. we can't be certain what it was put there for, but we have come to the conclusion that it was probably used to hang clothesline rope from.

every time i've ever seen those two pieces of wood, i saw them as just that... two pieces of wood and nothing more. anything i saw beyond that was wrapped up in questioning what it's for or the speculation that it is likely a post for a clothesline... the very kind of concrete thinking like i am prone to.

but isaac does't know what a clothesline is. however, he is learning to read. and in his wonderfully abstract thinking, he has been learning to find letters in all places... in all things {thank you, sesame street!}. so when we first walked out onto the deck today, he saw the post and ran toward it with enthusiasm and a smile and gleefully squealed "the letter teeeeee!" {T}

and my heart melted.

yes, baby boy. that is, in fact, a letter T. and you are my wonderfully abstract thinker.

as if that wasn't enough, he did the same exact thing minutes later when i walked him over to the side of the house where mr. b was cleaning gutters while standing on a ladder. this time, it was "the letter aaaaaye!" {A} he exclaimed as he pointed up at the ladder.

i beamed. and grinned. and told him what a smart boy he is. you'd think two was it for the day. a T in a clothesline post and an A in the ladder. but no. there was to be a D in the onion slice that was on my plate at dinner, too. {we made turkey burgers on the grill in honor of the first really nice day, and onion for the burgers would be the third place that isaac would find a letter i'd not have seen without him.}

i love this, because it illustrates what i am trying to get at. if we are as wide-eyed and wonderment-filled as children tend to be, might we find so many things all around us worth being amazed and excited about... without having to travel far... or even at all?

there will come a day when all three of us have discovered all that there is to discover on our little piece of land. but people don't always travel back to a certain spot solely to keep on discovering new things. sometimes,  rather, it's merely because they love the place they've found and they feel right at home there.

that sounds familiar. though a permanent dwelling and not a vacation home, we love the place we've found.

and we feel right at home.

project life {week thirteen} and a few other things these days

1, 2. TUESDAY - BOOK {up on the fridge and down on the floor}

3. MONDAY - CLUTTERED {with a capital CL! table and chair next to my bed... ughhh}

4. THURSDAY - SPLASH {rinsing dishes in the kitchen sink}

5. SATURDAY - COLLAGE {a gallery wall of art and mirrors in the bathroom}

6. FRIDAY - MY PEEPS {both my peeps and those other peeps... they're all sweet as sugar}

7. TUESDAY - GREEN {the newest in my obsession collection of mugs}

8. SUNDAY - CURRENTLY READING {a fabulous book from a fabulous friend}
{how 'bout those finger prints courtesy of isaac? poor kid gets blamed for everything. they're probably mine!}

* * * * *

and here's a bit of what we've been up to these days...

countless expressions that can change on a dime, but mostly smiles {it is a very smiley age}

making delicious mini brownie cakes for a certain birthday boy

daily enjoying a recent {most delicious} afternoon tradition... an old favorite—the best green tea—with a new favorite—the best blueberry cookies {even though they are breakfast cookies and are meant for mornings}
thankfully the flavor i get is not one of the two recently-recalled-for-having-metal-mesh-in-them flavors!

scrapes and bumps... the murphy's law kind that happen only when there is a holiday the next day and there are bound to be photos.

and then there's easter, of course... isaac in his easter finest and me with my new DO.
what DO you think? DO you like it?

{oh... and in case you were wondering... that's not the dog's drool on isaac's mouth in the sixth-to-last photo, despite what the photo before it might lead you to believe. isaac had a cold on easter, so he was drooling a lot as a result of his plugged up nose. just thought i'd clarify, 'cause i know if i didn't know the whole story and i saw that photo, i'd be like "whaaaaaaaaaaaat?"}

=)

i hope you had a wonderful easter!