everything in between

i came upon this terri guillemets quote this morning, and i found it to be perfect for what i wanted to express today. what a strange {but good } past several days this has been for me. within one week, i learned of the passing of the grandmother of one of my dearest friends and the birth of a child of another sweet friend.

although the grandmother's passing was somewhat expected, it was still very moving and sad, as i know how very close my friend was to her grandmother. and this new birth was also very much expected and anticipated... a hopeful and inspiring birth for me, as my friend is even older than i am, which gives me some hope that age would not prohibit my own chances of pregnancy.

the news of each of those two events -- this passing and this new life -- was received exactly a week apart. and i know that these are both occurrences that we all have come to expect or prepare for. a long life lived coming to an inevitable close and a new life starting. part of life.

but what you don't expect is the news of a woman who is only in her early 50s falling gravely ill and fighting for her life. this was the news i received in between the news of the death and the birth. once again, news from a friend. my sweet friend and former roommate, who selflessly calls and checks up on me and invites me to tea, was given the abrupt word that her sister was in intensive care because her organs were failing after having pneumonia, and that she and her family needed to get there swiftly as there may not be time to say goodbye.

my heart breaks for my two friends who received the difficult news, but is filled up and overjoyed for the friend that gave birth. such extreme events... and emotions that come with them. and oddly, they reflected the despair and hope that was simultaneously going on in my own life and thoughts this past week. sadness on mother's day over not having my own children... probably my greatest desire. a sadness and reminder of how much i miss my father, that was strangely brought on by mother's day. but at the same time, somehow being filled up with hope and joy.

there is a really big reason for the latter that i am not quite ready to be open about just yet here, but it is cause for the most hope i have sensed in quite some time.

so i have been thinking so much these past couple of days about life and death and the inevitable... the pain and joy that is inescapably part of it all. joyful for my friends' joys. hurting for my friends' pains. feeling blessed to have friends who celebrate my joys with me. feeling blessed by having those who hurt for me, or think of me when they know life is hard or a particular day might be difficult for me... even some of you expressed that you were thinking of me on mother's day, and you've never even met me. you will never know how much that meant to me.

life can be such a long, long road, and yet seem so fleeting... so fast. like if you blink, everything you've ever known will be gone or in the past. but it is also so good... even the pain and heartache. i would much rather know pain while living fully, than not know what it is like to lose or grieve, but never live in immense joy. i guess i am rambling on by this point, and i would not even know how to tie up all these thoughts if i tried.

i'm just thinking out loud, expressing those things which i have been very reflective on. today is beautiful. literally and figuratively. and i just needed to say these things. life can be beautiful. even the death part of life can be. and everything in between.